Jinxed
by MurielLeeJones
Summary: This story was originally started for a kink prompt, in which Reid is mute, but its not really smutty. Hotch/Reid, hurt/comfort. Mostly pre-slash. I had published a previous version on my dA account, this is sligtly edited for clarity-and I am adding a couple of chapters in the middle. M
1. Chapter 1

Jinxed for FF account

Criminal minds, don't own it, never will, no profit from this, not much from anything else. Fan-fic. Slash. Hotch/Reid. M/M erotica-eventually.

This was initially started in response to a kink meme prompt, about Reid being mute...but, it's not very smutty smut. Originally posted on my dA account gallery/38994730 - the chapter breaks are a little different, and the text and time line are a little clearer in this version. It ends well, honest, thought you needed to know because it doesn't start out so happy...

"It's only the dentist." JJ pointed out. "Henry goes every six months. You should take him sometime."

Reid looked puzzled.

"It's a joke, Pretty Boy—she's right you know, it's only the dentist."

Reid continued to look worried.

"Reid man, just go. What the worse that's going to happen? A cavity?"

Reid helpfully educated everyone on the likelihood of cavities.

"Reid, really, you're not likely to die from a trip to the dentist."

Aaron smiled as he walked past the bull-pen. This was an ongoing argument in the Hotchner-Reid household; only when Jack joined in on the dental strike was Spencer forced to make an appointment as an example.

"Reid's not joining us." SSA Aaron Hotchner sounded too practical.

"Everything ok Aaron?"

"He's just sitting this one out Dave, a lot going on at home." That was an understatement.

Rossi glanced at Aaron. "Why don't you just tell me what's between you and Reid?"

"Because there's nothing to tell."

"Aaron."

"Leave it Dave, he doesn't need a nursemaid, and neither do I."

Spencer despised the dentist, not this one in particular—just in general. He was uncomfortable, and he couldn't talk, and he was helplessly prostrate, and the dentist had an excuse to hurt him. Overall, this didn't seem like something one should agree to participate in.

"Everything looks good." The dentist paused, "There is a small irregularly shaped spot just under your tongue, I'd like to schedule an appointment for a biopsy."

Spencer recited statistics as fast as possible to an astonished Dr. Jones.

"Dr. Reid, it's a precaution."

Everything went downhill from there.

By the time Aaron was sitting on the jet practicing being fine Spencer was sitting at home with an icepack on his jaw, instructions about baby-aspirin and not easting solid food. Spencer had a copy of his file on his desk and was reading medical texts as fast as he could. This wasn't happening.

By the time the jet had landed Spencer was calling Aaron with news sugar coated as best he could—because Aaron didn't need any more loss in his life, and because Spencer didn't want to be that loss. Now might be a good time to let Aaron move on.

They had never defined what they were to each other. They had lived together for over two years. They cared about each other, and for each other. Spencer and Jack had formed a close bond. There were nights when they needed one another to be close. Laying together in Aaron's room, on his bed, in his bed, still clothed, hold gently, soft kisses, deepening, tight against each other, feeling the other's desire meeting their own, still not admitting out loud the truth; but they were definitely something to each other. There were pecks on the cheek in the kitchen and touching hand briefly in the living room. Maybe it was time to let go—of the nothing that was between them.

Aaron was working hard on looking unconcered. Spencer had a biopsy that was all. That was all Spencer had told him. Aaron knew that Spencer was capable of keeping things close to the vest, he was outright good at lying, all addicts were. Years of experience with Spencer told him that Spencer was keeping something, and not something small from him. Maybe now was the time to say something to him, to not let him go through another crisis alone.

Aaron was desperate with worry. Spencer sounded muffeled with his injured mouth, and he certainly wasn't telling Aaron everything. Jack and Spencer were having a wonderful time it seemed—with Spencer and Jack learning to sign—just because Spencer was having trouble being clear. Jack was so quick and Spencer delighted in Jack's ability to learn along with him. Aaron smiled, his boys, it just seemed like he had failed to protect Spencer again. Not that he could protect Spencer.

Then a long phone call, and a barrage of stastics, and facts and opinions and options that were well beyond Aaron. Spencer was sick. That's all he could say to himself. Sick.

Spencer listened to what the surgeon and the oncologist and radiologist had to say—absolutely quietly. Then he asked for references, and papers and numbers—and felt sick to his stomach. Aaron he could tell he was moving out—didn't want to have Jack watch this, didn't want to impose on Aaron any longer, it was time for Aaron to have his own life without Reid and his problems holding him back. He played with his fingers, "I can sign, you know." He told there collected doctors. There was his decision then.

Jack didn't get it. He got most things. But Spencer didn't usually lie to him. Jack pulled a face—he knew something was horribly wrong.

The flight back was unbearably long. Aaron couldn't sleep, and he couldn't very well call Spencer and demand that Spencer allowed himself to be cared for. He knew that Spencer would have spent the previous evening with Jack—explaining things to him. Aaron's eyes clouded briefly—he did agree with Spencer, Jack couln't loose anyone else.

Jack had covered his ears and closed his eyes as Spencer had tried to explain.

"You can't leave." Jack yelled as Spencer left him with Jessica.

Aaron set his go bag down at Jessica's door. "Where's Spencer?"

"Aaron, your boyfriend is in surgery and you don't know where he is?"

"He's not my boyfriend."

"Jack said you share a bed." She said it as gently as possible.

"He's straight."

"And you Aaron?" He had expected some resentment; there was nothing there, just empathy.

"He can't go Jessica, its not fair to Jack." Aaron's face was a mask.


	2. Chapter 2

Jinxed-Dentist..part 2

by *MurielLeeJones

Criminal minds, don't own it, never will, no profit from this, not much from anything else. Fan-fic. Slash. Hotch/Reid. M/M erotica-eventually.

This was initially started in response to a kink meme prompt, about Reid being mute...but, it's not very smutty smut. Originally posted on my dA account gallery/38994730 - the chapter breaks are a little different, and the text and time line are a little clearer in this version. It ends well, honest, thought you needed to know because it doesn't start out so happy...

Oh, and psalm 23 is from memory, so I probably have some of it wrong, just blame Aaron, he hasn't been to church in a while.

"The Lord is my Shepard." Aaron whispered, his lips barely moving. Aaron ran his a thumb over Spencer's forehead. His fingers travelled down the side of Spencer's face, smoothing his short hair behind an ear. He held the shell of Spencer's ear between thumb and forefinger, and almost unconsciously uncurled it; running his thumb down, allowing his fingers to catch up at the ear lobe, "I shall not want." His hand slipped back for a moment to support Spencer's neck. "Through pastures green, he leadeth me," His fingers dragged forwards, his hand cupping Spencer's jaw for a moment. Aaron let his thumb trace a line under Spencer's swollen lips. "and quiet waters by."

Aaron's finger's tightened on the hand he was holding. "My soul he doth restore again," Spencer's face was already swollen. "and me to walk doth make." Aaron slid fingers between Spencer's. "In the path of righteousness, for his own namesake." He couldn't pull his gaze from Spencer's face, those beautiful eyes still closed. At least for the moment Spencer wouldn't know.

Aaron lent forward and kissed Spencer on the forehead. "Yea though I walk in deaths dark vale, yet will I fear no ill. Thy rod and staff they comfort me." Aaron lifted both his hands to cup Spencer's face, "My tables thou has furnished, in the presence of my foes." He could already see the purple and green bruising forming around Spencer's jaw. "My head thou does't anoint again and my cup overflows."

Aaron furrowed his brow and clenched his jaw, closed his own eyes for a moment. He lent forward and kissed Spencer first on his forehead, then on his mouth; a lingering stolen chaste gentle dry kiss. "Goodness and mercy all my life shall surely follow me, and in God's house forever more our dwelling place shall be."

Aaron stood upright clutching one of Spencer's hands in his.

"Amen." Murmured Dave Rossi.

Aaron spun around to face the interloper.

"You should go Aaron, he asked that you not be here."

Spencer Reid listened silently. He had made the biggest mistake of his life.


	3. Chapter 3

Criminal minds, don't own it, never will, no profit from this, not much from anything else. Fan-fic. Slash. Hotch/Reid.

This was initially started in response to a kink meme prompt, about Reid being mute...but, it's not very smutty smut. Originally posted on my dA account gallery/38994730 - the chapter breaks are a little different, and the text and time line are a little clearer in this version. Also, I added a couple of chapters in the middle.

It ends well, honest, thought you needed to know because it doesn't start out so happy...

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Aaron Hotcher barely refrained from saying "Now what?" when Jack's school teacher called. He did suddenly realize how much of the contact with Jack's school had been handled by Spencer. "Yes?"

"He what?"

"No I'm perfectly alive, I'm fine, not going anywhere."

"His other father?" Aaron was blindsided.

"Yes, the class drew family trees at the beginning of the year, it helps me understand children in context, and gives me insight into issues that might affect my students. Jack drew his Mommy in heaven; which you had mentioned; and his two Daddies; which you hadn't."

"Dr. Reid isn't his father."

"Agent Hotchner, Aaron, just because Spencer isn't legally Jack's father, it doesn't mean to Jack that he isn't. Loosing Dr. Reid from your household has had a significant impact."

"Does he call Dr. Reid his father?"

"Daddy Spencer. Jack said that Daddy Spencer was leaving home and going to be in heaven with Mommy and that they would both watch him."

"Christ."

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"Jack, I need to talk to you about something your teacher said to me."

Jack looked guilty.

"Did you tell her that Spencer was your other Daddy?"

Jack nodded.

"Jack, I know you don't lie. Can you tell me why you said that?"

"Because you told me when people love each other they promise to stay together forever, and if they want to they choose to be a Mommy or a Daddy. And they sleep in bed together, and sometimes, when they love each other really much, and if they kiss each other and other things, they can make a baby." Jack paused, he knew he had made some sort of mistake. "And you and Spencer sleep in the same bed, and you kiss him, so I know you love him really much, so I know you want to make a baby. And Spencer can't be a Mommy, because only girls can be Mommies, so Spencer must be my other Daddy."

Jack paused.

"Jack. That makes sense." Aaron was going to have to clarify where babies came from, not a conversation he was looking forward to.

"Daddy Spencer is going to be just fine, a little different but just fine."

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"Spencer? Spencer I know you don't want me here."

"Well then just f***-off." thought Spencer.

"and I know you can't talk."

"Which leaves me entirely helpless." thought Spencer.

"I just need you to know something." Aaron paused, he wanted Reid to know this, Reid deserved to know this, "Jack told his teacher you're his "other Daddy", he calls you "Daddy Spencer.""

Spencer swallowed, that burned. He tried to bite his lower lip, managing only a stifled yelp of pain. "Aaron? F***-off" he couldn't say it, he just rested his head back on the pillow.

"He told his teacher you were going to be with Haley in heaven. Reid I need you to come home."

Spencer tried to shake his head; all he ended up with were suddenly cramping neck muscles, and a strange cry from the back of his throat.

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"Agent Hotchner? Dr. Reid had requested that you not visit him."

Aaron's face darkened as the doctor showed him to the hallway.

"You are the first person he has attempted to communicate with since the surgery."

Aaron knitted his eyebrows together. "What about his physical-therpist?"

"Dr. Reid won't try."

"He can sign."

"He won't sign."

"What about his keyboard?"

"Apparently hates computers. He is voluntarily mute."

"He will be able to talk again?"

"Agent Hotchner? Right now he has to try. "

Aaron asked the question he had been dreading. "How bad is it?"

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"Good to have you back, Agent Hotchner." Erin Strauss sat across from him, uninvited, in his office. "How is dr. Reid?"

"He's fine." Aaron wanted to yell out "dying, mute, alone, terrified, being a complete idiot, but other than that, generally fine." Spencer could make it, if the experimental treatment worked, so "Fine" would be his answer.

"Aaron, I have access to his medical records. Is he going to do the treatment?"

"He won't talk."

"You can sign his consent. Again, Agent Hotchner, I have access to his records."

"Is that all Director?"

"No, I believe you should take some family leave, you are entitled to it, given the nature of your relationship."

"There is no relationship."

Erin Strauss slid an envelope across the table, "It's a signed copy of a fraternization exception."

The look on Aaron's face, instead of anger, was relief.

"Erin, there is no relationship."

"Good, now take the leave, before I have to place you on administrative leave for insubordination."


	4. Chapter 4

Jinxed-4

It would be simpler sometimes if Garcia didn't look like one of her own over the top confections. Aaron was having a hard time taking what she said seriously. Usually he would, usually he wouldn't find her camouflage distracting, but it was the only happy thing he'd seen in days. The only problem was her words were so dissonant with her outfitting. "Bennington call, that's where Reid's mom,"

"I know," Hotch barely contained himself from snapping at her as he played with the edges of the envelope Erin Strauss had left him.

Garcia looked briefly hurt. "Bennington Sanitarium called, Reid's mom hasn't heard from him, she's frantic with worry, they have you listed as his contact. "

"I'll take care of it." Exactly how he would do that was beyond him.

"Sir, we're all really worried, and I know that sometimes things are better kept in a family,"

"He's not my family!" Aaron stood up as he yelled at her—putting the entire bull-pen on notice.

Garcia stood her ground, "I may not be a profiler, Sir, but he is your family."

Aaron glarded at her.

Garcia opened her mouth to apologize, realized she stood by her statement, and backed out of Aaron's office, pulling the door closed behind her.

Aaron dialed the number. Knowing what to say would make this conversation easier, but he didn't.

"Yes"

"Aaron Hotchner."

"No, I don't believe I should talk to dr. Reid myself." Dr. Reid—that was Spencer's name. Dr. Reid, a shy wave of introduction. Dr. Reid, brilliant, hands flying about as he lead the team to some obtuse conclusion. Dr. Reid-Saying it left his tongue sticking dryly to the roof of his mouth.

"He's sick." Dying and unwilling to try and I will damn well see to it that he ends up in psyche if he doesn't.

"Yes." Reid could contact his mom, he could just as well write, but that might entail telling the truth.

"He will write to her as soon as he is well enough." God dammit, Spencer had cut off another aspect of communication.

Aaron hadn't even thought about Reids' other family, and that maybe they should know.

"Seriously ill, no we don't know" this was the first time he had to say this "we don't know if he will" tears? Did he have to cry? "if he will live."

"I will let him know."

Then Emily was at his desk, rubbing circles on his back.

Jinxed-5

"Why are you going to Church Daddy?"

"Sometimes it's just good to talk to God."

"Do I have to go?"

"Yes, Jack, we have to Buddy." Aaron was going to be damned if he let Spencer decide Jack's religious education.

"Loving God; …Merciful God; ..Faithful God; …God who fulfills all his promises;" Aaron held tightly onto Jack's little hand, as the words he had known for a lifetime fell out of his mouth again. "Now with the Angles, and Archangels and all the company of heaven." Aaron recited, his finger tracing the lines so Jack could read with. Jack knew how to read words like Archangels? How did that happen? He realized that he had no idea what Seraphim and Cherubim (cheribii?) were, but Jack did seem able to read the words.

"Our father, who art in heaven, hallowed by Thy name," Jack looked at Aaron; please let him not ask any questions. "Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done," please let this not be God's will, "On earth as it is in Heaven." Oh, please, not Heaven, not that again. "Give us today our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses," what the hell did daily bread have to do with anything? Please, dear God, please forgive me for something, "As we forgive those who trespass against us." Christ that's a list, "and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil" It's not the evil that f***ing got him, it's you, damn you, f*** you f***inf screw it. You mother f***ing interventionist bastard. Aaron's voice continued with the congregation. "For Thine is the kingdom, the power and the glory, forever and ever, Amen."

"Praise from God from whom all blessings flow, praise him all creatures here below, praise him above ye heavenly host, praise Father, Son and Holy Ghost." Jack made a dash for the door.

The Reverend caught Aaron as he was making his own dash for the door. "It's a wonderful surprise to see you, and lovely to have Jack back again, I haven't seen Dr. Reid here recently. Is everything ok at home?" That explained how Jack knew about Cherubim and Seraphim, probably more about them than one would ever need, since he had Spencer in charge of his religious education. Where the hell had he been while his own family was growing up?

Aaron's entire face twitched, "Home? Spencer left."

"He didn't leave." Yelled Jack on the way home, "He didn't leave."

Why did Jack have to act like he was three?

"What are you doing here?" Aaron snapped at JJ standing on his doorstep with a casserole. He glanced at the food, "and he's not dead yet." A look of horror crossed his face as he realized what he had said in front of Jack. She gathered the little boy into her arms. "Hotch, let us help you, we know." Will was hanging back by the car with little Henry. Jack, cried out from his tantrum at the church, was sleeping soundly in JJ's arms. "We'll take him for the rest of the day Aaron. You have things to do."

"Spencer, I know you told the doctors you don't want me here. But you need to hear this." Aaron had intended on explaining the details of the cancer to Spencer, and the details of his surgery and limitations, and the self-care that he was refusing to perform, and the care that he was refusing to receive; everything carefully rehearsed with the doctors. He had intended explaining to Spencer that due to his current action or inaction rather, that he was placed on a psych hold, and that Aaron would be making his medical decisions from now on. Instead Aaron ran a hand over Spencer's forehead. "I love you, and I don't know what I would do without you, please find a way to come home."


	5. Chapter 5

Criminal minds, don't own it, never will, no profit from this, not much from anything else. Fan-fic. Slash. Hotch/Reid.

This was initially started in response to a kink meme prompt, about Reid being mute...but, it's not very smutty smut. This chapter contains in it one of my little side journey's that touches on Christian religion, and Hotch's distance from his faith (IDK if its cannon, I was lazy that way), and his family, but no politics or even sex (sorry). Liturgy is from memory, so all the errors are mine. {Totally as a side note and since this has been asked in relation to other stories—I was brought up Christian, at the point I would describe myself as a heretic, though some of my friends have gone with "spawn of satan"—oh well. }

Originally posted on my dA account gallery/38994730 ...the chapter breaks are a little different, and the text and time line are a little clearer in this version. I added a couple of chapters in the middle. It ends well, honest, thought you needed to know because it doesn't start out so happy...

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"Why are you going to Church Daddy?"

"Sometimes it's just good to talk to God."

"Do I have to go?"

"Yes, Jack, we have to Buddy." Aaron was going to be damned if he let Spencer decide Jack's religious education; or lack thereof.

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"Loving God…. Merciful God….Faithful God…God who fulfills all his promises;" Aaron held tightly onto Jack's little hand, as the words he had known for a lifetime fell out of his mouth again. "Now with the Angles, and Archangels and all the company of heaven." Aaron recited, his finger tracing the lines so Jack could read with. Jack knew how to read words like Archangels? How did that happen? He realized that he had no idea what Seraphim and Cherubim (cheribii?) were, but Jack did seem able to read the words. Reid would know what they were, he would know the pulural. Aaron stopped himself short of a litany of things he knew Reid would know, it make him miss Spencer more.

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"Our father, who art in heaven, hallowed by Thy name," Jack looked at Aaron; please let him not ask any questions.

"Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done," please let this not be God's will,

"On earth as it is in Heaven." Oh, please, not Heaven, not that again.

"Give us today our daily bread," what the hell did daily bread have to do with anything?

"and forgive us our trespasses;" Please, dear God, please forgive me for something.

"As we forgive those who trespass against us." Christ that's a list.

"and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil" It's not the evil that f***ing got him, it's you, damn you, f*** you f***ing screw it. You mother f***ing interventionist bastard.

Aaron's voice continued with the congregation. "For Thine is the kingdom, the power and the glory, forever and ever, Amen."

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"Praise from God from whom all blessings flow, praise him all creatures here below, praise him above ye heavenly host, praise Father, Son and Holy Ghost."

Jack made a dash for the door.

The Reverend caught Aaron as he was making his own dash for the door. "It's a wonderful surprise to see you, and lovely to have Jack back again, I haven't seen Dr. Reid here recently. Is everything ok at home?" That explained how Jack knew about Cherubim and Seraphim, probably more about them than one would ever need, since he had Spencer in charge of his religious education. Where the hell had he been while his own family was growing up?

Aaron's entire face twitched, "Home? Spencer left."

"He didn't leave." Yelled Jack on the way home, "He didn't leave."

Why did Jack have to act like he was three?

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"What are you doing here?" Aaron snapped at JJ standing on his doorstep with a casserole. He glanced at the food, "and he's not dead yet." A look of horror crossed his face as he realized what he had said in front of Jack. She gathered the little boy into her arms.

"Hotch, let us help you, we all know." Will was hanging back by the car with little Henry. Jack, cried out from his tantrum, was sleeping soundly in JJ's arms. "We'll take him for the rest of the day Aaron. You have things to do."

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"Spencer, I know you told the doctors you don't want me here. But you need to hear this." Aaron had intended on explaining the details of the cancer to Spencer, and the details of his surgery and limitations, and the self-care that he was refusing to perform, and the care that he was refusing to receive; everything carefully rehearsed with the doctors. He had intended explaining to Spencer that due to his current action or inaction rather, that he was placed on a psych hold, and that Aaron would be making his medical decisions from now on.

Instead Aaron ran a hand over Spencer's forehead. "I love you, and I don't know what I would do without you, please find a way to come home."


	6. Chapter 6

Criminal minds, don't own it, never will, no profit from this, not much from anything else. Fan-fic. Slash. Hotch/Reid. M/M erotica-eventually.

This was initially started in response to a kink meme prompt, about Reid being mute...but, it's not very smutty smut. Originally posted on my dA account gallery/38994730 - the chapter breaks are a little different, and the text and time line are a little clearer in this version. And I added a chapter or two, in the middle, because there really was quite a jump. It ends well, honest, thought you needed to know because it doesn't start out so happy...

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Spencer lay quietly; trying to ignore how desperately he wanted to hear the words Aaron had just said, how desperately he wanted to go home. Only Aaron could damage his resolve of absolute silence.

"Dammit NO." yelled Spencer, his hands flailing, Aaron couldn't tell if Spencer was signing or just gesturing in desperation. "Get the s*** out of my face, get on with your own damn life, you were too fucking important to love me before now, this is a damned stupid place to start. Would the tragedy work for you? Get on with Beth, get on with Rossi taking our son to soccer games, get on with leaving OUR son with Jessica instead of me. Home? You go f***ing home. Why? Because Jack doesn't get to see me die, and if you think the virus treatment can work you are more of an idiot than I knew." At his point Spencer knew that Aaron wasn't following a single word he had to say, and he might as well get on with it. "So at this point Aaron, I am so sorry, but I'm not going to come home to you; because I can't do that to Jack. I am going to die, I loved you, I loved Jack more than you ever let me, but no, I'm not coming home. Just get out of here Aaron, I won't see you again. I will not come home."

JJ was waiting outside Spencer's room, Jack in hand. They had agreed to meet at the hostpital at 5, after the visiting hours for the psyche patients. "Jack, buddy," she took the little boy's hand in hers, hearing the incoherent shouting, "Lets," she didn't finish the sentence. A nurse rushed in to calm Reid and get rid of Aaron a.s.a.p. Jack glimpsed Reid, Daddy Spencer, though the door; and that was it, he was on Daddy Spencer's bed in a moment.

Jack slapped Daddy Spencer hard across his face. Spencer jerked back. Jack banged his head against Spencer's chest. "You lied, you lied, you lied." Spencer looked at Aaron with utter desperation in his eyes; then wrapped his arms around Jack. Oh God, just now, he wished he could say something to Jack, his throat was tight, his mouth burned like all hell, the grafted bone on his jaw ached, and not in a dull way, Spencer tried again. Something half way between "yahk" and "nyyye!" came out of his mouth. He tried again, "yhee." The tone dropped at the end, he had control over his vocal cords at least. Spencer evened up his breathing settled his heart rate, "bbjj." He was definitely able to create consonants. Spencer reached into his mind for speech therapy instructions, "tjhh". He held Jack, then carefully turned the boy's head to watch his hands. "Jack, I love you, I am so proud to be your Daddy, and so sorry I have to go. Go back to Daddy Aaron? Ok?"

"No" signed Jack "No, no, no, no, no."

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"Aaron?" JJ was beside him, hand on his shoulder.

"I don't know what they're saying." His voice was curt, clipped, and professional.

"Spencer said," JJ couldn't find the right words.

"You sign?"

"In my file." Her voice remained soft, soothing even.

Jack had stopped moving his hands and was looking at them. He gradually got of the bed, and reached JJ.

She lifted him, her arms wrapped around Jack and awkwardly signed back at Spencer, "You don't get to do this."

"Hotch you should come with me."


	7. Chapter 7

Criminal minds, don't own it, never will, no profit from this, not much from anything else. Fan-fic. Slash. Hotch/Reid. M/M erotica-eventually.

This was initially started in response to a kink meme prompt, about Reid being mute...but, it's not very smutty smut. Originally posted on my dA account gallery/38994730 - the chapter breaks are a little different, and the text and time line are a little clearer in this version. Added a new chapter or two. It ends well, honest, thought you needed to know because it doesn't start out so happy...

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Spencer,

"I'm sorry. I had no intention of upsetting you, and of course wish I had stated my feeling for you earlier. I felt that I had a responsibility to protect you, and in doing so denied you a choice.

My choice has always been to love you. When we lay, you would have known, I desired you; that desire went well beyond the physical, it was, and is a wish to consummate my feelings for you.

I want you to know Spencer that to me this will always be your home as well as mine, and hope that you will come home soon. I realize that you may not feel this way about me but please come home any time you chose.

Aaron

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Aaron looked the letter over. It stated the truth. A final trip to Spencer, a final scene, a final argument. Spencer would hear just fine, he had no idea why he needed the letter. Aaron paused before knocking on Spencer's door.

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Spencer opened his front door. What in the hell he was doing wasn't clear to him. The problem was dying alone was taking time, painful, lonely time. He was worried about Jack. So when Aaron showed up, he let Aaron in.

Aaron handed Spencer the letter and the envelope from Straus. "I can hear Aaron." He signed, and mouthed the words, following the pattern his body sill knew.

Aaron shook his head slightly, some sort of affirmation, "I just needed to write it. I would like you to know that you are cared for and welcome at our house anytime. Don't do this to Jack."

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"Reverend?"

"Actually I was wondering how long Jack has been attending church?"

"Oh, Sunday school, hates real church?"

"Spencer helped in his class?"

"How long has Spencer?"

"Oh, I see."

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Another visit, a visit he hadn't intended making, but he couldn't very well call Spencer on the phone, and Spencer wasn't answering e-mails.

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"Spencer? How long have you known?" Aaron didn't expect any sort of answer, and certainly didn't wait for one. "There was a shadow on your last MRI." Aaron said it as a statement, and found he had to let his breath out slowly so he didn't start shouting. Instead he took Spencer by both shoulders and backed him against the wall. "Why did you have the surgery Spencer?" Aaron held Spencer's gaze. "If you knew you weren't going to try?"

"You know what my father did to me? He hit me, hard, often, without cause." Spencer shook his head, taken aback by this sudden vulnerability. "He didn't hurt Sean. He didn't because he was dead already."

Spencer nearly frozen and still shaken reached a hand to touch Aaron's face.

Aaron held his lips tightly together. He wasn't going to be drawn in by any display of affection from Spencer; he had been entranced by these little gestures for two years. "He had a choice, he could have told us, he died, just like you're going to die, instead of telling us, he let us suspect the worst of him, I never, ever got to say goodbye Spencer. I should have been glad he was gone, but," Aaron looked to Spencer for reassurance like he had so many times before, wished he didn't. Spencer reached up his second hand, cupped Aaron's face, bent Aarons head forwards, and kissed him on his forehead.

Aaron pushed Spencer firmly, too firmly against the wall as he stepped back. "You're doing that to Jack."

Aaron let himself out of Spencer's apartment. This would really be the last damn time he came by.


	8. Chapter 8

Criminal minds, don't own it, never will, no profit from this, not much from anything else. Fan-fic. Slash. Hotch/Reid. M/M erotica-eventually.

This was initially started in response to a kink meme prompt, about Reid being mute...but, it's not very smutty smut. Originally posted on my dA account gallery/38994730 - the chapter breaks are a little different, and the text and time line are a little clearer in this version. And, I added a couple of chapters. It ends well, honest, thought you needed to know because it doesn't start out so happy...

Thank you for reading—and big thank you for comments.

"Spence?" JJ opened her front door anyhow, "What are you doing here?"

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"Denial, Aaron." Rossi had been expecting this conversation or something like it for a couple of weeks now.

"He prepared Jack, you know."

"He couldn't bring himself to tell you."

"I doubt whether he understands it yet. "

"Aaron, it's too soon. He's still in shock, he's not giving up."

"So he left the hospital. I left it up to his doctors. He rented an apartment more than a week ago."

You could have forced him to stay."

"The two of you really do need a nursemaid."

"Take the best decisions you can for him."

"Aaron if we make mistakes in the field it costs people's lives."

"Yes, Aaron, this is different."

"You have a still have an opportunity to see him again, Aaron, and I suggest you use it."

"Aaron, if he had given up he would be using, he would have done everything in his power to prove his sanity, and revoke your medical power of attorney. "

"He trusts you to save him."

"Yes, even against his will."

"Because he doesn't know what to do."

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Aaron looked at the text message that had come in while he was one the phone to Dave. "Going to see Jack at JJ's; will tell him the truth, need you to be here." Damn Spencer, damn the stupid fool, Spencer was completely out of hand, and out of line.

"NO" Aaron txtd back, by which he meant "don't you dare do anything, anything in this world to hurt Jack more than you already have."

"Wht do u wnt frm me Aaron?"

"Wait, I'll be there." By which Aaron meant, "I want you to try, try with everything you have, try to give Jack his two daddies, I want you to try so I can be there the rest of your life, so you can be there the rest of mine, I want you to try so we have time to love you, so I have time to love you." And, if Aaron had been entirely honest he would have added "I want you to try so you can have time to love yourself."

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"Jack, I didn't quite tell you the truth, because it's bad, and I didn't want it to be that way. I'm sorry I didn't tell you the truth, that wasn't right."

Jack and Spencer sat cross legged, knee to knee. Spencer pulled Jack forward a moment and kissed the top of his head.

"I'm so sorry Buddy, I want to be here and help you grow up; and I know I said I was leaving, because I needed to get better; but it's not quite like that."

Aaron watched Spencer's hands flitter as Spencer mouthed the words silently and Jack stared in fascination, both at Spencer's hands and his silent lips.

Spencer slid a hand softly under Jack's chin, bringing the boy's attention back to what he had to say.

"Buddy, I'm sick, and that's why I had to go to the hospital, to try and make it better, but I'm just not going to get better.."

Spencer looked up and away for a minute. Jack's gaze was as intense as Aaron's. His hands were curling-clenching and unclenching, just like Aaron's.

Spencer touched Jack's knee to gain the boy's attention.

"It's just, Jack that I said I was going away because I didn't want you to know that I was very sick," Big breath, keep your eyes open, stay looking at him "that I might not get better, and because its grown I'm probably only going to be here for a little bit Jack, and I'm so sorry. I don't want you to be scared, because I'll always look after you."

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Jack tilted his head.

"Daddy are you coming home with us now?" everyone jumped at the words spoken out loud.

(Note to me—posted as 9, saved as 8)


	9. Chapter 9

Criminal minds, don't own it, never will, no profit from this, not much from anything else. Fan-fic. Slash. Hotch/Reid. M/M erotica-briefly. Not explicit at all. Just a little quirky.

This was initially started in response to a kink meme prompt, about Reid being mute...but, it's not very smutty smut. Originally posted on my dA account gallery/38994730 - the chapter breaks are a little different, and the text and time line are a little clearer in this version. And new chapters coming up, uh, next. (did I say that before?) It ends well, honest, thought you needed to know because it doesn't start out so happy...

And thank you everyone who's reading and following, and commenting, and liking. It can be a bit eerie when I feel like I'm talking to myself on the internet.

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Spencer lent his head back against the wall in the entrance hall of Aaron's home, his home. Jack had asked, he had come back.

Spencer closed his eyes.

Jack knew. Right now it was Jack that counted. Spencer wanted to scream, he just grunted a little sound.

"Spencer?" A familiar hand on his shoulder.

Spencer couldn't help but smile at Aaron.

"Jack's asleep, if you need to, want to," what Aaron had planned on saying was "talk", because Spencer hadn't, he hadn't even started accepting this.

Spencer took Aaron's hand from his shoulder; lead Aaron's hand over his face, kissed the palm of Aaron's hand, softly.

Aaron't thumb sought entrance to Spencer's mouth, his other hand reaching up and resting next to Spencer's head, as he turned to face Spencer. The pad of Aaron's thumb traced the line of Spencer's full lips. Aaron closed his eyes, as he felt the soft lips part around his appendage.

Spencer felt the gentle push of the thumb against his mouth. He wanted this. He let Aaron touch his lips, keeping his eyes closed. This was as close as he and Aaron had ever been. Spencer opened his mouth slightly, letting Aaron just slip inside, holding his mouth open, as he breathed moist soft breaths over Aaron's hand.

Aaron lifted his thumb slightly and touched the pallet of Spencer's mouth with his nail.

Spencer sucked, just gently, mouth briefly closed, then breath cooling the skin on Aaron's damp thumb.

Aaron pulled out of Spencer's mouth, running a line, a small moist trail around Spencer's lips.

Spencer reached for Aaron's hand again, kissing the palm, and moving with slight kisses up Aaron's fingers to the tips, then using his own hand to guide one finger into his mouth. Aaron explored the line between Spencer's bottom lip and teeth, wet and soft, he reached his finger back, gently circling finger tips on his wet silky gums, finger reaching past teeth; he caresses the outside of Spencer's face with his thumb, tracing the same lines, then rubbing the cheek caught between thumb and forefinger.

Spencer, again, reaches for Aaron's hand, pulls it out briefly, and now almost forces a second finger in. Eyes closed breathing slowly and deeply, finding the rhythm of each other's movements, needs. Aaron pushes his fingers over the ridge of Spencer's teeth, running patters back and forth, side to side, over the soft tissue of Spencer's gums, over the hard lines of teeth. Spencer reaches both hands to hold Aaron's face, their eyes still closed.

Aaron finds his own tongue pressed against his lower teeth. Then he does what seems right and natural, he slides finger over into the wet depths of Spencer's mouth, exploring either side of Spencer's mouth, stretching him open slightly to accommodate another finger now. Two fingers slide under the base of Spencer's tongue, while the other strokes the top, finding soft spots, tissue still ridged from joining unnaturally together, hard lines, smooth and wet and warm. Spencer pushes forward into the touch, his tongue stroking Aaron's fingers, moving unevenly, leaving space where there should be none, but moving with ease, circling the callouses on Aaron's fingers, pushing the tender skin around Aaron's nails.

Aaron reaches around to hold Spencer's neck, to hold him in place to support him, to pull him close, forehead to forehead.

Aaron pulls his fingers from Spencer's mouth, slides his wet fingers slowly over Spencer's face, then firmly, finally forces his thumb in, deep in, into the open space that shouldn't be there He reaches around behind Spencer's teeth into the spot where lower jaw meets upper, where the bottom line of his tongue should fill the space, reaching over, oh dear, god, Aaron tightens his grip reaching in between the teeth to stretch the cheek out, massaging under Spencer's jawline with his fingers, Spencer gently biting the base of his joint, moving around him, pulling his head slowly back and forth in time with Aaron's strokes, sucking. Aaron becomes demanding suddenly turning into the deep space in Spencer's mouth, Spencer's cut tongue pushing him in, holding him in, struggling , slipping on the soft scar tissue, Spencer making small noises, and sucking on his hand, curling his tongue as best he can around Aaron, forcing him down, as Aaron reaches, pushes, as far back as he can, gripping hard on Spencer's jaw, "Christ Spencer I love, you." Bodies pushed hard together rocking in the motion that Spencer sets, breath coming in pants, small gasps. Spencer bites down on Aaron's thumb then pushes it out of him, slowly, sensually, body quivering against Aaron's, full lips briefly sucking on it as it leaves, he lets his head fall on Aaron's shoulder, held as close as they can together. Spencer finally lets go of everything in Aaron's arms.


	10. Chapter 10

Criminal minds, don't own it, never will, no profit from this, not much from anything else. Fan-fic. Slash. Hotch/Reid. M/M erotica-eventually.

This was initially started in response to a kink meme prompt, about Reid being mute...but, it's not very smutty smut. Originally posted on my dA account gallery/38994730 - the chapter breaks are a little different, and the text and time line are a little clearer in this version. Added a couple of new chapters. It ends well, honest, thought you needed to know because it doesn't start out so happy...

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Hard was an understatement. Aaron resented Spencer for pushing decisions about his care onto Aaron's shoulders. Jack was scared and confused. Spencer was angry, unutterably angry.

Amongst all this Spencer remained playful. Aaron was perplexed by Jack and Spencer's ability to perform magic ticks in tandem in absolute silence; suddenly followed by a conversation of moving hands, excited smiles, and feathery touches. As Spencer had pointed out it him it was his choice to learn to sign or not. What was not Aaron's choice was that he lacked Spencer's brilliance and Jack's gift with languages.

Aaron followed every movement of Spencer's hands while he built extraordinary Lego cathedrals and spaceships with Jack, while he cooked, when he ate, while he spoke. Aaron knew the lines of Spencer's hands better the lines of his face, the peculiar tilt of his hands just before asking a question, the excited speed of his hands while he explained some particular monstrous beast or was it a dinosaur, to Jack. Jack delighted in his secret language with Spencer, while Aaron struggled.

There were missteps. Spencer fought to speak, becoming marginally intelligible, at least to Jack, with Aaron scrambling along behind. Jack informed Spencer, aloud, that Spencer sounded like a dinosaur. The hurt in Spencer's face was immediate, so deep, that Aaron, standing nearby, nearly snarled at Jack, Spencer grabbing a hand and shaking his head to stop him, while Jack scrabbled for safety in Spencer's arms.

There was the moment when Spencer nearly threw his voice synthesizer across the room, "I don't want to speak." He yelled.

"I don't want to lose you!" Aaron yelled.

Jack ran from the room followed by Spencer.

Aaron took his car keys and walked out the front door. He wouldn't let his boy see him angry.

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Then there was the night when Aaron kissed Jack goodnight, Jack refused to light a candle for Hailey. Aaron was angry, just so angry. "You killed her." shrieked Jack. Jack sat up in bed and slid out of the reach of Aaron's hands. "and she's never coming back." Aaron's vision was white with anger, "and Daddy Spencer's going to go away, 'cause you don't love him enough, and I hate you". Aaron tried to even his pulse, he swallowed, his vision rapidly forming a tunnel, his teeth clenched.

The boy looked up and past Aaron; large eyes suddenly peaceful while his grumpy looked never left his face.

"Spencer says you love me, and you're just angry right now, because you're scared; and Daddy" Jack looked away from Spencer, directly into Aaron's face, "I'm sorry I said what I did,"

Aaron felt two strong hands on his shoulders; hands turning him to face the other man, then re-establishing their touch.

Aaron placed his hands over Spencer's. "Don't you dare speak for me Spencer, and do not tell my son what to say." It was the same glare he reserved for unsubs, for people whom he despised that he turned on Spencer. Spencer stepped back as Aaron stepped forward, taking any force from Aaron's hands. Spencer allowed Aaron to move forward into his space, elbows bending, allowing movement, but his hands held firmly in place.

"Not in front of Jack." Intelligible words.

Aaron pursed his lips, he tried to blink the tears out of his eyes; tried to force the rage from the set lines of his face.

Aaron pulled Spencer's hands down from his shoulders, held them briefly but forcefully crossed over Spencer's chest, then pushed them down and loose. Spencer let his head jerk back in surprise hitting it against the wall. Aaron turned from the bewildered man and stalked out of the room.

The familiar jingle of keys, the familiar sound of the front door.

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Spencer sat on Jack's bed and quietly insisted on lighting a candle for Hailey. He stroked Jack's face and kissed his forehead, he eventually tucked the boy back in, and holding both Jack's hands in his began the mumbled recitation, "Gentle Jesus meak and mild, look upon this little child, pity my simplicity and suffer me to come to thee, fain I would to thee be brought, gracious lord forbid it not, in the kingdom of thy grace, give a little child a place."*

Spencer sat murmuring the words long after Jack had fallen asleep.

*Prayer by Charles Wesley, from memory, probably wrong, definitely partial.


	11. Chapter 11

Criminal minds, don't own it, never will, no profit from this, not much from anything else. Fan-fic. Slash. Hotch/Reid. M/M erotica-eventually. I kicked the rating up to M, but it's really just this chapter, well maybe one more, and it's not explicit.

This was initially started in response to a kink meme prompt, about Reid being mute...but, it's not very smutty smut. Originally posted on my dA account gallery/38994730 - the chapter breaks are a little different, and the text and time line are a little clearer in this version. I'm adding a couple o' new chapters (next one is new, so there might be a slight delay here.) It ends well, honest, thought you needed to know because it doesn't start out so happy...

As always, thanks to all for reading, liking, following and commenting, makes this so much more fun!

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Spencer waited until he heard the door again, the got up from Jack's bed, blocking the doorway to Jack's room.

"I'm," Aaron started.

Spencer shook his head. He stayed standing in the doorway to Jack's room as he listened to Aaron preparing for bed.

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Later, much later, knowing the Aaron still wasn't sleeping; Spencer knocked on the door and slipped into the room, and sat on the bed next to Aaron. "I love you Aaron."

Spencer lay down, resting his head in the crook of Aaron's neck, half stretched onto Aaron's chest. "I don't want to die."

Aaron kissed him on the forehead. Then drew the young man close in his arms, letting his body rest against the man he loved. He moved himself against Spencer, feeling loved as Spencer's mouth sought his, heartbroken as Spencer opened his mouth in invitation, licking inside Spencer's mouth as Spencer pushed up into him, moving his hands to undo Aaron's jeans, to pull them down, to reach inside for what he wanted. Aaron's whole body jolted at the feel of Spencer's hand on his skin, totally engulfing him, oh, god, good, fucking god, he closed his eyes, pushed his tongue even deeper into spencer's mouth. Spencer opened his legs, trying to pull Aaron's jeans further down at the same time, inviting Aaron. Aaron's hands joined Spencer in disposing of clothing, letting Aaron, for the first time, touch Spencer. The world paused, he could taste Spencer, he could smell Spencer, Spencer's touch was everywhere, his body pressed firmly against his lover, his body begging for attention. All Aaron wanted was Spencer, and all Aaron wanted was more.

"Take me, please." The words might have been clearer, Aaron didn't care, he wanted all of Spencer.

Then everything soft, and quiet and Spencer under him and clinging to him, crying out with him. And Aaron feeling terrified, what the hell had he done?

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"Spencer?" Spencer snuggled against him, warm, loved, and understood, Aaron had understood him.

"I love you Spencer."

"I know that." Murmured, he was clearer when he spoke more softly.

"Do you want to live?" Aaron was holding him so tightly.

Spencer looked at Aaron with utter puzzlement in his eyes. Hadn't he said that earlier in the evening?

"What Aaron?"

"They didn't get the margins they needed. I had them re-check, twice. I scheduled surgery for Tuesday."

Spencer clung to Aaron clawing into his back, "No, no, no, no, no, no, no." Aaron let tears run down his face as he rocked his lover. This was not going to be ok.


	12. Chapter 12

Criminal minds, don't own it, never will, no profit from this, not much from anything else. Fan-fic. Slash. Hotch/Reid. M/M erotica-eventually.

This was initially started in response to a kink meme prompt, about Reid being mute...but, it's not very smutty smut. Originally posted on my dA account gallery/38994730 - the chapter breaks are a little different, and the text and time line are a little clearer in this version. This chapter is new! And there should be one maybe two new one's after this!

It ends well, honest, thought you needed to know because it doesn't start out so happy...

And thank you for reading, I know it's a little odd, and maybe a touch warped, but hope you enjoy it anyhow! M

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"Giving up is always a choice, its just not one I make." Spencer repeated to himself. He ran though Proust in his head, he ran though math problems, he designed new processes for geographic analysis. He retraced maps, and re linked data on old and cold cases. The cold case department wanted him, the anti-terror division wanted him, linguistic analysis within the BAU wanted him. The irony did make him smile. Anywhere with a linguistics, criminology or math stat department wanted him. He didn't want to leave the house.

He went as far as the garden.

"Daddy!" Spencer was always annoyed when Jack raised his voice.

He turned to see Jack standing in the road. He knew they should have moved out of this house, but Aaron didn't want Foyett to win, and here they were.

And it was all so quick. Jack had called out for Spencer. He had run across the road from the school bus, and traffic was ment to stop. And Jack hadn't looked, because he, for reasons unknown, he was still innocent, and the truck was feet away, and he called for Spencer.

There are times when we don't think. So the next thing Spencer knew he was in the hospital, bruised, and probably with broken ribs, and with a definite ache were the bone graft was; and there was Jack, standing next to him, reciting Spencer's medical history. And Jack was completely unharmed. He had the lines of tears on his face, and he was definitely dirty, there would be a good long bath for the boy, and an extra clothes in the laundry, but Jack was ok.

The nurse turned to ask Spencer a question. "Sir?"

Spencer lifted his hands to sign and the nurse called out for a translator.

"I can." Jack was so clear. Spencer wished he didn't have to be protected by a child.

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Aaron came as quickly as he could. And he shouted at Spencer—who didn't deserve to be shouted at and everyone knew it. And Spencer didn't protest, because he knew that Aaron would get angrier, and he knew that Aaron was scared, and he knew that Aaron couldn't say that, because, well because he was Aaron Hotchner, and Aaron Hotcher felt anger not fear.

"Jack's at Jessica's again." it was a snarl. "Because you didn't keep him safe; and he could have died. He could have died because you didn't cross the road to meet him, and because you couldn't, or wouldn't call out to him."

Spencer held a hand out towards Aaron, and grabbed the cuff on one crisp white sleeve, and pulled Aaron closer. He ribs hurt. His jaw hurt. Jack was ok.

Aaron ripped his arm from Spencer's grasp, and towered over him, "If you had been at work, Jack would have been at afterschool, and none of this would have happened. But you had to stay at home, and you were going to take care of him, and now," Aaron trailed off. And then he left. The sound of Aaron's keys in his hands resonated for Spencer.

"Jessica could you keep Jack for the night?"

"Yes, Spencer is fine." It was abrupt, and Jessica found herself wondering again what Aaron was busy screwing up, he'd done that with Haley, he didn't need to, shouldn't do it with that young man also. "Would you let him know? And he can see Spencer tomorrow." Aaron had softened even thinking of Jack. "and, Yes," Aaron chuckled, "he can have tomorrow off school, definitely nearly being run over by a truck is a good reason." And Jessica, "Tell him that I love him." Aaron clicked his phone shut and stared at it for an instant.

Aaron sat in the living room with a bottle of Scotch. People could call him a drunk if they wanted, he wasn't, he didn't drink to forget, he drank to feel; and he wanted to feel. Spencer had nearly let Jack die, it hadn't been Spencer's fault, none of it was Spencer's fault, and Spencer had been willing to what, die? to save Jack. Spencer had been willing to give up not so long ago. He slammed his glass down. The refilled it. He wasn't a drunk, he didn't drink to forget.

Jack had to take care of Spencer. Jack had spent more time than he should have taking care of Spencer. Not just today, but every time Aaron wasn't there because Spencer was in the hospital, Spencer was having a treatment, Spencer was having a reaction, Jack paid the price. Every time Jack walked up the stairs with a glass water, a bowl of soup, mashed the potatoes, because Spencer liked them like Jack did it, Jack took care of Spencer. And then today, Jack had taken charge, he had nearly been killed himself, and he had taken charge. Aaron couldn't help be proud, and furious with Spencer, because Spencer had taken Jack's childhood. And he took another drink because of he drank enough he would be terrified, and that was what he needed to feel. He had no idea of how he would raise Jack without Spencer.

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Spencer went back to work, because everyone felt it was best.


	13. Chapter 12b

Criminal minds, don't own it, never will, no profit from this, not much from anything else. Fan-fic. Slash. Hotch/Reid. M/M erotica-eventually.

This was initially started in response to a kink meme prompt, about Reid being mute...but, it's not very smutty smut. Originally posted on my dA account gallery/38994730 - the chapter breaks are a little different, and the text and time line are a little clearer in this version. This chapter is new! And there should be one new one after this, or more, I'm enjoying writing this again. I want life to be like this, go back and fill in pieces and make them better at your convenience. Oh, and good sex, life should have that—thinking of which—this is chapter is a little smutty.

It ends well, honest, thought you needed to know because it doesn't start out so happy...

And thank you for reading, I know it's a little odd, and maybe a touch warped, but hope you enjoy it anyhow! M

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Garcia did the thing that Hoch dreaded, she reached up and touched the scars along Spencer's face; then she signed "Hi" and then she asked him a barrage of questions, which he couldn't sign quickly enough to answer. Spencer pulled his eye brows together; and scrunched up his mouth slightly—then to Aaron's horror tried to speak. And Garcia listened; she must have said "slow down" about a hundred times.

J.J. touched his arm, "Spence, can I translate for you?"

He just shook his head.

"Pretty-boy" Morgan beamed his too beautiful smile at Spencer; who didn't feel pretty in the least and reached up to cover this jaw line.

Rossi patted him on his shoulder.

Then Alex Blake showed up. And Spencer couldn't help feeling replaced—and relived, because she would understand him, and the mixed grammar of his signing and speech.

"Don't try to speak dr. Reid, it's confusing."

"Thanks." That's all that Spencer said, was "thanks" and Aaron couldn't tell what he meant by it, but it was spoken.

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"I felt stupid." Aaron and Spencer were sitting together in a hotel room during a case.

"You're not stupid, Spencer."

"Then why did you hire Alex to do my job?"

Aaron honestly wished that Spencer would stop trying to speak in public. It just wasn't in him to tell Spencer that was the best plan. Have Spencer sign and Alex or J.J. or himself translate. But what had happened today had reflected badly on his team—and had misdirected the case. Spencer had been misinterpreted while communicating to his own team, and an officer had proceeded to make a media statement that was dangerously inaccurate, because of what they had thought Spencer had said—how he had managed to decipher anything was beyond Aaron- and while the officer shouldn't have, and Aaron couldn't have emphasized enough what the officer, Shouldn't Have, done, it was Spencer's words that would be the repeating problem here. While Spencer was able to communicate with his team mates, he was dangerously unintelligible to others around them.

And then Morgan had lost his temper when the officer pointed out that it wasn't his fault that dr. Reid couldn't communicate clearly. And even J.J. had something to say—not that the officer knew what it was because she had signed it, and Alex had laughed out loud. And Spencer had walked out.

He was writing out a letter of resignation when Aaron entered his motel room, uninvited, with a key acquired from the desk.

"I feel like an idiot. The only upside is that Morgan now hangs on every word I say."— Half signed, half spoken, grammar broken, unsure.

Aaron laughed. And Spencer smiled.

Aaron still laughed at all Spencer's jokes. Spencer still smiled every time Aaron laughed.

And Aaron took the note that Spencer had been writing out of his hands, and read it.

"Do you really feel this way?" Aaron wished he wasn't so abrupt, but he was too late. Spencer was already withdrawing.

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So Aaron held Spencer's hand. He always held Spencer's hand when he didn't know what to do. And Spencer knew it, they often didn't know what to do. Eventually Spencer moved over into Aaron's arms.

"I'm going to have to only sign, right?"

Aaron nodded. "I'm sorry Spencer."

Just another thing for which to be sorry.

Spencer kissed him, since that first night together, their first night spent as lover's, after, he hadn't kissed Spencer, and Spencer hadn't offered. They had touched each other sexually, intimately even, privately, gently, but they hadn't kissed, and neither had taken the other; and now Spencer opened his mouth to Aaron, and Aaron didn't, for once didn't pretend that Spencer was fine. He let his hands touch the scars, he kept his eyes open and watched the pleasure on Spencer's face move the pain aside for more than a moment, he listened to the noises that Spencer couldn't help making as he was pleasured. Aaron allowed a hand to move behind Spencer to explore the line where back meets buttocks, to slide down, to seek entrance. Spencer nodded at the unspoken question. He didn't just want Aaron too take him, sure he wanted that, but he wanted Aaron to let go, to just be in the moment, to use him for his own pleasure, and he wanted to know that Aaron loved him as he was now, not the old Spencer, this Spencer, he wanted Aaron to love every aspect of this Spencer. And Aaron knew all of that, and every piece of fear about this relationship and every piece of insecurity about his sexuality, and every piece of terror about losing this lover flooded into him, uncontrolled, so that was how he took Spencer, uncontrolled, powerful, unmitigated and present. This Spencer, this man underneath him, this was the person he loved.

And after, resting silently together, Aaron knew that Spencer loved him.

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They solved the case the next day.

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The team never talked about why Spencer only signed when they were out on a case.


	14. Chapter 14

Criminal minds, don't own it, never will, no profit from this, not much from anything else. Fan-fic. Slash. Hotch/Reid. M/M erotica-eventually.

This was initially started in response to a kink meme prompt, about Reid being mute...but, it's not very smutty smut. Originally posted on my dA account gallery/38994730 - the chapter breaks are a little different, and the text and time line are a little clearer in this version. This chapter is new! And there should be one new one after this, or more, I'm enjoying writing this again. A chapterlet, bigger-better-higher-faster chapter to follow.

And thank you for reading, I know it's a little odd, and maybe a touch warped, but hope you enjoy it anyhow! M

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Spencer cleaned up after dinner. He did the dishes by hand—a ritual of childhood revisited. He played classical music on the CD player. He shuffled Jack off to bed with promises of his father's immanent arrival. And he waited for Aaron to come home.

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"Agent Hotchner?" Strauss was surprised by the unscheduled 5 p.m. visit from Aaron Hotchner—she knew how the man and most of his team, that would be all of his team except Dave, felt about her.

"Thank you." He smiled a half smile, the beginnings of a real smile, directed at Erin Strauss. She didn't recall that happening before.

"Does this mean that Agent Reid is recovering?"

Aaron beamed.

Then Strauss smiled.

"We need to talk about him." Aaron was suddenly overly business like.

Strauss gave him a sharp look. For once in her life she had played match maker, at least somewhat, and she was a woman used to getting what she wanted and this would work. She nodded, indicating that Aaron should pull up a chair, and sat down behind her desk.

"What, agent Hotchner, is the problem?" She failed entirely at her usual ferocity. She truly did have a soft spot for Reid, and a happy Hotchner was an effective Hotchner. Ok, she nearly liked Hotchner also, and his rouge team was beginning to grow on her. It was hardly her fault that it took a while for people to gain her trust—well mostly hardly her fault.

"He wants to return to the field."

Erin Strauss looked surprised, and then suspicious. "And you don't want him to?" She wasn't going to let Agent Hotchner pin this on her, well, she probably wasn't going to let Agent Hotchner pin this one on her.

"I was hoping you would see this the same way as I do."

Erin raised her eyebrows, "So, you are asking for my help in dealing with your family?"

"With my team."

"And you believe he serves us better in an advisory capacity?"

Aaron didn't want to sell Spencer short, the last thing that Spencer needed right now was to be limited by Aaron, he was limited by fate as it was. "I believe, know, he is capable of field work, Ma'am; our team communicates effectively in spite of Reid's disability." Aaron still hated saying disability, but at Spencer's insistence, that was the word they used.

"Then explain it to me, Aaron." Erin sounded arch and dismissive.

Aaron looked down at his hands and then back up. "Because I can't lose him."

"And if you were to lose him we would lose you from the BAU?" Erin Strauss may have looked a bit hopeful.

"I can't lose him ma'am." Aaron was still looking at his hands.

Erin's glance was curt, "I don't believe this is my responsibility Aaron, but I don't believe I can do without two agents, so for the interim, restricted field service."

Aaron Hotchner was grateful, genuinely grateful—but this had been the easy part of the conversation.

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Spencer snatched the car keys from Aaron. He forced himself to keep quiet, no use in unintelligible utterances at this point, he clenched his jaw, he looked away, wiped the tears from his eyes with the back of his hand. If he could have would have been yelling something at Aaron about ability and disability—he wasn't sure what—but this, this, exceeded anything conveyed by statistics, or contained by mathematics. Aaron didn't think he could do his job.

Spencer threw the keys on the floor and shook his head; then shoved his hands deep into his pockets. "You can't treat me like this, Aaron."

Aaron paused. He hadn't expected a physical reaction from Reid, but they had nearly come to blows in the kitchen. Then Reid had taken his keys and blocked the door; and now he was whispering something. He couldn't understand a damn word Reid said anymore, more than a year into this, and he still couldn't understand Spencer—and frankly every time the doctors wanted to do something more to Spencer it was a step back ward for Aaron. And he couldn't lose Spencer.

"It was my choice, my decision as the team leader." Aaron looked worried as he raised his eyes to meet Spencer's.

"Please Spencer."

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"Daddy?" both men spun around. It wasn't as though anyone had been shouting, but there had been enough anger between the two of them that little Jack must have woken up.

"Daddy?" Jack looked skeptically at both men.

They really couldn't say "It's going to be ok."

They both stared at Jack.

"Are you angry because Spencer can't talk with his voice?"

That was it, Aaron cried.

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	15. Chapter 15

Spencer wished he could claim it was a stupid argument, but it wasn't. The only upside had been Aaron hadn't walked out of the house. He had stayed. They had all stayed, Jack had stayed up, and Spencer had made hot coco and Aaron had been quiet as he laid his head on Spencer's shoulder, and let Jack sit in his lap. There wasn't anything to say. They had all done their best, and what they had was today.

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"Reid's not coming in."

Strauss appeared like an apparition in Aaron's office. How did she do that anyhow? "Did you talk to him?"

Aaron nodded, a brief nod, and went back to his paperwork. This wasn't really fair to Strauss, but he wasn't handing out candy, he was hunting serial killers, right now, for instance, he was writing up copious notes about hunting serial killers, copious notes about interviewing people who were serial killers, copious notes about training people who would hunting down serial killers that would later be interviewed, and some notes on how to make notes on training people to hunt down serial killers who they might later interview. Doing the kind of thing that had to be done just right now, immediately, with no interruption.

"He didn't take it well?"

Aaron shook his head.

"It's your choice Aaron; whatever you decision you have my support." And then she left. Maybe that really had been an apparition.

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"Aaron?"

Dave could see right through him.

"Is he ok?"

Aaron nodded, thank god he could say that.

"And you?"

Aaron looked up at Dave, standing in his office door.

"You should tell him how you feel. Sleeping with him isn't all of it Aaron. He's guessing half of what you feel, and most of what you need."

Spencer knew, Aaron was sure of it, Spencer knew what he really wanted.

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Spencer took the quick route into of the office—he wasn't going to deal with everything he felt right now—he would grab some notes he had compiled and head on to the doctor's office. He could cry in the men's room, if he was damn well going to do that again. Actually he couldn't cry in the men's room, because Morgan would find him there. He paused in the hallway and looked anxiously around; he wanted to be in and out unnoticed. He jumped.

Morgan had found him.

"He cares kid, he's just trying to make things ok, he just can't say it."

Quite honestly Aaron Hotchner didn't need to say anything—because there wasn't a moment when Spencer hadn't heard it all. He knew Aaron drank because his heart was broken, he knew Aaron kept him at the office because he was afraid, he knew Aaron didn't tell Jack everything, everything he needed to know, because he, Aaron, needed to create a safe world. He knew that in the moments, those precious two moments when Aaron had said he loved Spencer, when it had just slipped out, it might be all the confirmation that he ever got that the man he lived for loved him.

Spencer shook his head. "Sometimes I just want to hear it." He looked so vulnerable. Morgan gave Spencer's shoulder a squeeze. No matter how many times Reid didn't speak it just worried him every time.

"It will be o.k. Reid."

Spencer smiled a genuine smile. And Morgan beamed, because well genuinely, some things were better without words. Then Morgan walked away.

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"Daddy?" Aaron had walked in.

He was annoyed; annoyed that Spencer had dumped out every drop of whiskey into the house. He was annoyed the Spencer kept to himself at work, that was no way to work with a team, he was annoyed that everything, work and home, and even Jack had run around Spencer for more than a year.

"Daddy Spencer has a surprise for you."

Aaron tried to look happy. It wasn't happening.

Spencer took Aaron's hands, and kissed him, in front of Jack, Spencer kissed him.

Jack picked up a book and walked out of the room.

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Spencer lead Aaron out to his old Volvo. Aaron hadn't seen it out in, well, forever, when had Spencer done all the work on it? Then Spencer backed Aaron up against the Volvo, and kissed him again. It was a good kiss, a really good kiss, and Aaron hoped that Jack wasn't watching that kiss. Then Spencer opened the passenger door and shoved an unresisting Aaron in, and leaded over him, and bit at his neck, hard, there would definitely be a mark. Spencer had bitten him over the scar from Foyett, Spencer was marking him as owned, and Aaron didn't mind. What he did mind was that Spencer stopped his advances, and buckled him, and jumped into the driver's seat, and headed them out of the driveway. Aaron always minded how Spencer drove.

Aaron Hotchner thought his chances of survival were better if he kept quiet and prayed to survive the trip than if he mentioned his feelings on how Spencer drove. They stopped a restaurant that they probably, definitely, couldn't afford. Aaron wasn't dressed for this. No matter, Spencer had reserved a private booth. Jess had Jack for the night—come to think of it Aaron—though his distress at Spencer's driving had seen Jess' car out front.

The waiter brought a wine list and Spencer ordered. Aaron, who was under the impression that he was banned from alcohol though no choice of his own, was surprised. Spencer had called an order ahead, for both of them, thoughtfully, he knew Aaron's palate. Dinner was served, the waiter left, and Aaron waited for the other shoe to drop, this felt like a time when a shoe would drop.

They ate in silence. It wasn't the same silence that Spencer held at the office. It certainly wasn't the same silence punctuated by accidental noise and purposeful sound that Spencer employed at home. This was different. It was different because Spencer didn't use his hands either. He simply ate, and Aaron ate with him.

The ambiance was quiet, romantic even, candlelight, pressed linen, actual silver silverware, no flowers on the table, but tasteful white roses in a unostentatious crystal vase on the window sill. The meal was beyond plesant, the wine more than correct, but Aaron couldn't shake the feeling of dred. He smiled as they finished their last course and Spencer took his hand, lead him though a quick queit hallway two and into a smiple bedroom. Laid out exactaly to Aaron's taste—down to Aaron's own clothes set in the closet for the next morning. Still not a word out of Spencer.

Only Spencer's hands un-knotting his tie. Only Spencer's hands opening his shirt. Only Spencer's fingers tracing his nipples. Only Spencer's hands reaching his belt, and his trousers breached by Spencer's hands, and everything followed by Spencer's mouth. Aaron back onto the bed and sat down, allow Spencer to taste, to take what he wanted.

When Aaron woke in the morning there was a note from Spencer.

"Dearest, my dearest Aaron,

I love you; never doubt that. You have brought me thus far without allowing me to give up; and certain things by the nature of the situation must be given up, but what you and Jack have given me exceeds anything I may have lost.

You have taken brave and hard decisions in regards to my treatment. Your taking these decisions was forced on you by me, and I understand that I left you to take some of the hardest decisions of my life, and I am forever grateful that you took the ones you did. Managing aggressive illness is be hard, and I appreciate that you have always taken the most conservative option available while giving me an opportunity to recover and make choices for myself. When you asked me over a year ago if I wanted to live I had answered in the affirmative, but last month, when Jack and you and myself spent the night on the couch just being together as a family, drinking co-co, that was the first time I was sure beyond all measure that I want to live.

In truth, we both know that the only option for my long term survival is aggressive not conservative management—and to that end I have scheduled surgery for the day after tomorrow. I believe that with plastic surgery my appearance should not be much altered from what it is now, but there will be other changes—I left the doctors notes in our bedroom at home.

I will be spending the day with Jack, and hope to see you this evening.

I cannot tell you how much I love you.

Yours forever

Spencer

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After that note Spencer expected him to go to work? Who did Spencer think he was dealing with? He must have gone insane.


	16. Chapter 16

Criminal minds, don't own it, never will, no profit from this, not much from anything else. Fan-fic. Slash. Hotch/Reid. M/M erotica-eventually.

This was initially started in response to a kink meme prompt, about Reid being mute...but, it's not very smutty smut. Originally posted on my dA account gallery/38994730 - the chapter breaks are a little different, and the text and time line are a little clearer in this version. This chapter is new! And there should be one new one after this, or more, I'm enjoying writing this again.

Thanks for comments, and follows, and faves, much appreciated. Anyways, thanks for reading, and more coming up. (for some strange reason I have to work in between writing)

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Spencer and Jack were watching Sesame Street in T.V. It looked so normal, it all looked so natural, and father and his son, on the floor, enjoying cheerios and a t.v. show. Aaron stood in the door watching, every last detail. The way Spencer smiled when Jacks asked a question, how Jack looked up at, looked up to Spencer, how Spencer's long body laid out on the floor, witch Jack trying to look as stretched out as Spencer. Both of them looked over as Hotch locked the door behind himself.

"Spencer?"

Spencer's brow furrowed. Jack had the day off of school, teacher's in-service day, the note was on the fridge, there was a notebook on the counter with all Jack's school stuff in it, including prep days, when which projects were due and supplies that were needed, he had already bought most of them, they were sorted and stored in Spencer's study, and he should be home in two weeks.

"Did you tell him?" Jack was engrossed in the T.V. show while Spencer petted his hair, he didn't even hear the words.

Spencer shook his head. "Later." He mouthed silently at Aaron.

Aaron walked over looming over the pair lying on the floor.

"What's wrong Daddy?" Jack was astute to human emotions, able to read the most hidden signals, and this was quite frankly blatant on that level; Aaron never came home during the day, Jack's school work, his activities, his transport was Spencer's province. He would make a great profiler, Aaron hoped he never did, he was a peacemaker, not a hunter.

Aaron sat on the floor next to the two people he loved most in this world. He realized, knew, this might be the last time they got to do this, they all waited, just sat and waited.

Eventually Jack reached over and took Spencer's hand. "Do you have to go to the hospital again?"

Spencer nodded. Jack nodded.

"Ice cream?" Jack nodded. He and Spencer shared comfort foods, Aaron didn't feel like eating.

Ice cream, and the Zoo, and sandwiches, and the museum. That was Spencer's perfect day with Jack, and so Aaron's perfect day with his family. He followed along, and sometimes, just sometimes, he could forget and laugh with the two of them.

Then it was bed time, and it was the time that Aaron had been dreading and Spencer had been avoiding all day; because now Spencer had to explain to Jack again that he was sick and might not be coming back. Jack sat up in bed, he scooched over, he was ready for Reid's speech, he had similar one's often enough, he made sure there was enough space for all of them on his bed. Then he asked for the candle.

"Let's talk to Mommy."

Spencer lit the candle. He felt like he was praying to his lover's ex-wife, that wouldn't worry Jack, he seemed happy enough to accept love anywhere he found it, uncomplicated.

"Can we have another one for Jesus?" Spencer and Aaron both startled.

"Do you believe in God Daddy? If Daddy Spencer dies tomorrow will he go to be with god and Mommy?" Jack's grip on Spencer's hand was tight enough that it rivaled his fathers.

"Yes." That was about all the Aaron could get out, he had no why's, no explanations, no details, he had to admit to relying on God only well after he had relied on anything else, after all, God helped those who helped themselves.

Jack nodded; clearly Aaron had passed some mystery quiz. The he looked over at Spencer. Spencer shook his head, and then started to explain how he had been hurt by a bad man, and how he had died, but someone had made him come back to life, and he had seen something, someone, while he was dead, and it was all fine, everything would be fine, god or not, and how Daddy Aaron had saved him.

Jack's eyes moved back to Aaron, accusation clear.

"I couldn't save her buddy. I couldn't." He was not going to break down in front of his son, that he hadn't done yet, that was his last outpost.

"Did God decide? Daddy Spencer once said that sometimes God decides who lives and who dies. Did god decide?"

Aaron shook his head. He didn't know how to answer these questions for himself, and he had been quite unaware that nearly-atheist Spencer had such a fatalistic attitude to life, death and god.

"If you don't believe in God how will we bury you if you die?"

Spencer was about to explain that dying was a when rather than an if, a hard task with hands held and barely intelligible speech. But Aaron stopped him.

"If Buddy, and I mean if," he looked carefully at Jack, "Daddy Spencer dies we will bury him next to Mommy, and we will light a candle for him like we light a candle for Mommy, and we will pray for him just like we pray for Mommy, because even if he doesn't believe in god, god believes in him.

Spencer wondered when the hell Aaron had become such a Christian elitist. Next thing he knew Aaron would be saving him after his apparently immanent death.

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They sat in bed together. Just Aaron and Spencer, wrapped in pajamas, just holding each other.

"You will be in surgery for a whole day?" that frightened Aaron.

Spencer nodded.

"You will be in a medically induced coma for three days?" that wasn't much better.

Spencer nodded.

"They will remove the remnants of your tongue, and you lower jaw, and all the grafts." The grafts had never taken this was part of the concern. "They will remove parts of your hard palate," Aaron sighed, "and part of your larynx." Aaron hadn't needed to read the literature he had read it all before. "They will replace you lower jaw with a titanium replica, there is limited grafting possibility on your hard palate but the surgeon will attempt to stretch the soft tissue. They will do complete dental implants to allow them to heal in with the other tissues." He looked away, "Because previous grafts have failed they won't do any reconstruction of your internal structures." He hadn't been able to bring himself to look at the graphic illustrations specifically of Spencer's surgery. "They will perform a neck dissection removing lymph nodes to prevent further spread of the cancer."

He had said the word.

"Because of the lack of reconstruction possibilities when you wake up you will no longer be able to speak, and shouldn't expect much change." It would have sounded like a recitation other than the dread in Aaron's voice.

"You will wake up in acute pain Spencer, because you can't use opiates, and the use of NSAIDS will need be limited because of potential bleeding you will need to manage your pain through visualization and meditation techniques." Aaron pulled Spencer into his lap and kissed him.

"You will wake up with both a breathing and a feeding tube. The breathing tube will be removed within a week. You may permanently need the feeding tube, given what they are cutting out of your mouth Spencer you may never be able to swallow again. Your sense of taste will be limited by how much of the soft tissue is removed from inside your mouth." Aaron knew it would be a considerable amount; he had had all the initial conversations with the doctors. Spencer was right to do this now. He wanted Spencer to live.

Aaron held Spencer as close as he could, Spencer's back pushed against his body. "You will, and Spencer I do mean will, return home within ten days."

Aaron looked up the door.

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"Buddy, how long have you been listening?"

"All of it." Jack scrumpled up his face.

Spencer patted the bed next to them. "We thought you were asleep Buddy."

Jack shook his head, if Daddy Spencer is going to die then I want to spend tonight with him. He cuddled against Spencer.

"It sounds horrible" announced Jack.

Aaron reached around Jack and pulled him into Spencer's lap, holding into the two people he loved. Then he gave in and let tears fall onto Spencer's shoulders, they could all be afraid together, sometimes no one was strong enough.


	17. Chapter 17

Hey all, I am sorry for the delay. I've been sick, good and proper sick. Hopefully I'm getting better, and will get on with this story. Thanks for faves and follows and comments and everything.

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Aaron moved Jack mechanically on to school. Aaron walked Jack to his class room, which he usually didn't do, and Jack didn't protest, which he usually would. Aaron talked to Jack's teacher, letting her know that Spencer was in surgery, that would usually have been a phone call. And, as per usual, Spencer had everything handled, the Ms. McKee knew this surgery was more extensive, knew all the dates involved, had Jessica's number and Aaron's schedule. She probably knew how badly it could go wrong.

Aaron forced himself into the office. He avoided greeting his team. He knew his team knew, Spencer would have taken care of that, apparently Spencer had taken care of everything.

Aaron paused as he walked into his office. There were flowers on his desk, those could only be from Spencer. Spencer had thought of everything, he had probably made his own arrangements, thinking back on the discussion of last night he was fairly sure that Spencer had made his own arrangements.

Both the other teams were called for cases. Morgan was specifically requested for interviews. Aaron's desk was piled with more paperwork than he had seen in years. Even when Spencer had worked from home had had carried a great deal of the daily organizational work. There was a lump in Aaron's throat, his mouth was suddenly dry with the remembered taste of whiskey. He couldn't even do the damn paperwork without Spencer.

He hadn't said goodbye to Spencer properly. What was properly? He stood up from his desk only a moment after sitting. He paced behind his desk. His hands were fists. He could reach for the whiskey on the bookcase shelf. It was sitting there. He didn't know why he had it there. Spencer had made it clear, exceedingly clear, what he thought of Aaron drinking to get the edge off. He would never drink in the field that would put his team, his family, in danger. Not that they were going into the field, Erin had clearly put them on stand-down, somewhere in the mound of paperwork as probably a memo to that effect. He was briefly angry with Spencer, had everyone know before him? Then he was truly angry with Spencer. Just when he thought Spencer was truly letting him in Spencer had told him last. He knew that wasn't fair. He knew that Spencer would have in reality been ready for this eventuality. He knew that Spencer had told him first and then put the plan in action, but still it felt as though he should have played a bigger part in the plan.

This was probably a crisis plan, laid in place by Spencer who knows how long ago and carefully pulled into action. Aaron Hotchner might be good, excellent really, at managing a team in the field, his ability to manage his family, his most intimate relationships was limited. Spencer had just taken care of that kind of thing—and of this kind of thing.

"Spencer takes care of this kind of thing." Aaron whispered to the whiskey under his breath. He was not going to start talking about Spencer in the past tense.

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"What are you doing here Dave?"

"Aaron?" It wasn't an accusation but it was close enough.

His hand wasn't reaching for the bottle, but it was close enough.

Aaron shook his head. He had no idea of what he intended to convey.

"You should go home."

Aaron shook his head.

"Aaron, you should go home."

Dave was approaching cautiously, as if Aaron had a gun.

"Aaron?"

He realized he was frozen in place shaking his head.

"Go home."

"Jack's at school."

"Fetch Jack and go home."

Did everyone have to interfere with his family?

"I can take you, and fetch Jack, I have the school's number, Spencer said I,"

Dave didn't get to finish the sentence.

"Did he tell everyone exactly what to do?" it was a hiss.

"Aaron, you need to go home, and you need to fetch Jack."

"Did Spencer tell you to say that?"

"No."

Aaron reached for the bottle.

"I'm going to fetch Jack." David Rossi pulled his key's from his pocket.

"Ms. McKee will call if he needs me." Aaron emphasized the 'me'. Aaron was glaring at his friend.

"Jack needs you Aaron, and he needs Spencer, and he won't say it. He is your son." Spencer had told him to be ready for a call from Jack, or his teacher, and Spencer had added Dave to the pick-up list at school.

"And now youre an expert on not just my family but my son?" Aaron's hiss had become a growl. He poured a drink. "You want one?"

David Rossi shook his head. "Spencer worries."

"He felt he had to talk to you?" Aaron sounded tired, the ire was gone from his voice.

David Rossi shook his head, closed his eyes briefly, then focused on Aaron, "Jack talks me after soccer games."

He fully expected Aaron's full wrath to be vested upon him. Aaron just nodded, and set the glass down. He looked away for a moment.

"I can't do it without Spencer." He picked up the bottle and handed it to David Rossi. He wished it was this easy with the bottle he had hidden at home.

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Ms. McKee looked up to see David Rossi and Aaron Hotchner at the classroom door; but not before Jack had seen them.

"Are you alright Daddy? Is Daddy Spencer?" Jack paused endlessly, " gone? Daddy?" Jack tilted his head to the side, it was a quiet cautious question.

"Why would you think that?" Aaron knew damn well why Jack would think that, he wished he hadn 't been abrupt with the little boy.

David Rossi picked Jack up, and shook his head. "The doctors are still with him." Dave looked briefly at Aaron. "Let's go to the Church Buddy, we can ask god to care Spencer, ok?"


	18. Chapter 18

"Reid?"

Aaron had been watching Jack lighting candles with his Uncle Dave, one of Hailey and one for Spencer. And Aaron hoped to god he would never see that again.

"Spencer Reid's family?"

All three spun around. Aaron's stomach dropped. He didn't know what he had expected, what he hadn't expected was the surgeon herself, and looking so grim. There was a fierce look on Jack's face that Aaron didn't recall seeing before, as though he would protect his Daddy from any sort of harm, which it seemed he would take as a personal affront from the Divine. Dave settled a hand on the boy's shoulder. It was the same infinite moment after the blast, the same moment before Foyett pulled the trigger, it was the same moment Emily lay in Morgan's arms, it was the exact same moment as in Georgia, when Aaron had to watch helplessly as fate pulled Spencer from his arms. He forgot to breathe. He knew, he fought desperately to focus on Jack, to find Jack in the haze. He knew he should say something, say 'how is he?', or 'can we see him?' or 'how did the surgery go?'. He just couldn't remember how to talk.

"How is he?" It was Rossi's voice. Rossi had Jack, Jack was safe. The dark mist moved away from Aaron's eyes, he still felt nauseated.

"He fainted." Aaron identified the concerned face over him as the surgeon, "when last did he eat?"

"He couldn't eat yesterday, he was too worried." Jack was keeping track of his eating, was Jack keeping track of his drinking too?

"Did he drink enough?"

"More than enough." Jack helpfully supplied.

Aaron had thought Jack didn't know about the flask in his car. Spencer hadn't known about that, he should be as careful around Jack as he was around Spencer. The doctor could probably smell it on his breath.

The surgeon nodded. "Spencer made it through surgery."

Aaron stared at her dumbly.

"Can we see him?" that was Jack's voice.

"He's in recovery. When you feel well enough, Agent Hotchner, we should talk."

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"The surgery was as successful as could be expected. We won't know if we have the margins we need until late day tomorrow. Aaron?"

Aaron Hotchner was avoiding looking the oncologist in the eyes, and definitely looking away from the surgeon. Jack and Dave were waiting outside the office. Jack had hugged him before he came in, was he that much of a wreck? Aaron nodded.

"Aaron, would you like to talk to someone?" Aaron looked puzzled. "Your son is concerned about you."

Aaron looked puzzled again, then nodded. He talked to Spencer, didn't he?

"Do you have a support system? Friends? Family? You should have someone to take care of Jack. Spencer arranged for his Aunt Jessica to pick him up here, you should call her." Aaron nodded.

"His aunt Jess, he should stay with Jess for the next few days." He was tired, too tired to take descisions.

Aaron looked up at the doctors. "Can we see him?"

The doctor nodded. "He will be unresponsive, you understand that? The coma is medically induced, but he may still be able to sense your presence. Jack and Agent Rossi are waiting."

The surgeon walked him to the door, "and, Aaron, take care of your problem. You can't take care of your family if you don't." She placed and envelope in Aaron's hand, "He said you should have this either way."

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Aaron placed the envelope in inside pocket of his coat, and then bent down to pick up Jack.

"Everyone called, from Jess to Erin, everyone wants to know…" Dave trailed off. He realized he might be asking Aaron to repeat some of the worst news of his life.

"He's in a coma. That was the plan. We, family can visit."

Jack was wriggling loose, he was becoming too big even for Aaron to carry; he grabbed Aaron by the hand, and started off towards the nurses' station. 'damn' Aaron cursed to himself, 'Jack's knows I would have been too nervous to remember the room number.' Aaron wondered what other adult things he had foisted upon Jack. He wondered when Jack had started taking care of not just Spencer, but him.

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Dearest Aaron,

-Jack had cried out and looked physically repulsed at Spencer laying in bed, bloodied dressings, breathing helped by a respirator, tubes in and out. Aaron had realized, after the fact, that Spencer had never allowed Jack to see him in the hospital. He had held the crying boy who was insisting that there had been some mistake and this bruised and bloodied man couldn't be Spencer. Admittedly right now he didn't look much like Spencer. The child had been so hysterical that the nurse had offered to call a child therapist or a pastor, or give Jack something to calm him down. Dave had taken Jack home to Jess' place, get him safe as soon as possible. Aaron suspected the team would hold vigil at Jess' tonight.—

Dearest Aaron,

I love you. As I am writing this I realize you will never hear me say that again—hopefully I will be with you to show you in other ways. I am so afraid for you and Jack, promise me that nothing will become of Jack, no matter what becomes of me.

Remember that addiction is a disease, and as much as I am fighting this and you are standing by me, please find help. I wish I had realized sooner and done more, I can't bear the thought of leaving you alone with this struggle. Have Jack pray for me (he's better at it than you) that I can be with you to help you.

Tell Jack that I love him.

Spencer

-it was a hurried note, probably not a note Spencer had any intention of writing until this morning, a note that Spencer had written after Aaron had dropped him at the hospital and said goodbye for what he was so so afraid would be the last time-

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Thanks all for reading and follows and faves and reviews and things. I am getting there folks, getting there slowly. Last time I wrote this story I missed out all this stuff in the middle, so I'm trying to do it right this time. M


	19. Chapter 19

JJ had stopped by Jessica's to take Jack of her hands in the morning. She had the day off, they all had the day off, JJ couldn't imagine what Erin Strauss had said to whom to have this happen. Maybe she had black mailed someone? JJ smiled, she could see that.

Jack looked worried. "Can I see him?"

"Remember you don't like seeing him in the hospital?" the first time the surgery had been less invasive, and it had been days after the surgery that Jack had made a dash for Spencer's room, this time, it had been a mess. It was unusual for Spencer to not have thought this through. He had planned for Jess to pick Jack up after a day at the hospital without seeing him? Maybe he had thought Jack could handle it?

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Aaron had come to Jessica's home late, and devastated. "Nerve damage, they don't know how much." And he still had a whole day of waiting to know if this news was the bad news, or if they didn't have the margins—then that would be the bad news; all waiting for Spencer when he woke up.

His phone rang. "Erin? Yes, he's fine." Aaron Hotchner didn't lie well to friends, when had Erin Strauss become a friend? Apart from when she started to, uh, you know, with Rossi, Aaron didn't want to think about that, then it brought a smile to his face.

"Me?"

"No, I'm fine. Erin, I have nothing to tell you."

Then Aaron looked grim, very grim, for the next 5 minutes. Apparently Erin thought she had something to tell him.

"Thank you." He snapped, and then cut the connection.

The phone rang again. Aaron, at the end of his tether, picked up, he couldn't very well not pick up, he could see the number was from the Bureau's Quantico Office. "Erin," had had taken himself not only out of the house, but into the spacious back seat of Spencer's car, what was Spencer's car doing here anyhow? Jack loved the thing though. "Erin, we covered this. I can handle myself and my family. Yes I have a problem, is that what you need to hear? And I will handle it."

Then Aaron Hotchner paused and became deeply quiet, and ran his free hand over his face, as he rested back in the passenger seat of Spencer's car. "Yes director, I had no right to talk to you like that director, yes, Erin is a friend, a concerned friend. Spencer? Yes, he did. No sir, he is still in a coma. Yes I will talk to someone."

Aaron breathed deeply. He may have finally destroyed any chance he had ever had of promotion. On the other hand apparently the director was a close friend of Spencer's, you would have thought that Spencer would have mentioned that? Aaron resented the hell out of Spencer for having someone outside of their relationship to talk to. And for what reason in the world were both Erin and the director calling him in the middle of the night about dr. Spencer Reid? Aaron paused, they had certainly mentioned Spencer, but they had called him, they had both called to talk to him.

"You can't do this alone Aaron."

Aaron Hotchner wanted to spin around and growl at Rossi. That was distinctly Rossi's voice. As it was he moved over. "What if I admit I have a problem." He wasn't looking at Dave, he couldn't look at Dave.

Dave smiled an ironicly twisted half smile, "Does that mean you see me as a higher power?"

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That morning Aaron Hotchner thanked Dave for listening, and thanked Dave, preemptively, for going over to his house and getting rid it, he thanked Dave for sitting in Spencer's car in the cold while Aaron tried to explain what he couldn't control, because Aaron Hotchner hated admitting that there were things that he couldn't control. And he listed them, from Foyott, to his mother, to loosing Haley, to Spencer's cancer, to this. And he felt more helpless than he had lying on the floor waiting to be hurt by Foyott himself.

That morning found Aaron trying to apologize to his son for not being present when he should have, for being angry when he shouldn't have, for drinking, without saying so, even though he knew Jack knew. And all Jack said, was "Its ok, Daddy." And Aaron wondered how in the world he had such a forgiving son.

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That morning Aaron had found, not entirely to his surprise the whole team at Jess' house. They had all been here for him and Jack, and he had spent the evening talking to Dave in an old car in the driveway. No one seemed put out. Penny was subdued. Morgan had been to see Spencer and hadn't been able to put his report in any but grim terms.

Things from the evening before became clearer in revisiting them with the team. The surgery had been harder on Spencer than anticipated. His vitals weren't quite as stable as expected. He had bled more, his blood vessels had been damaged by the radiation. Aaron hadn't been able to understand all of this last night when he was telling Jessica. Now as Morgan repeated to him realized why everyone had gathered.

Pennelopy held Hotch, awkwardly, beucase there really was no other way to hold Hotch. "He won't die."

Aaron flinched. Had she said it?

Morgan had slept, or what passed for sleep, on the couch with Jack in his lap. Aaron had thought Jack was asleep.

He hadn't been there again.

No one had mentioned it, again.

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"Do you want to go to school today Jack?"

The boy shook his head. "I want to see Spencer."

Aaron pulled Jack into his lap. JJ had been right it had been a disaster last night. Aaron really didn't know what to do.

"Let's make up a story for him, ok, Jack?" JJ was sitting on the floor with them.

He looked past JJ, "Where's Henry?"

"With Uncle Will." JJ looked over at Hotch, she knew where this was going, even if he didn't.

"Are they ok?"

JJ smiled, "Yes."

Aaron nodded.

"Let's go to my house and see JJ and Uncle Will." JJ picked Jack up, she was strong, Aaron was surprised again at the strength of the people around him.

Aaron fumbled for his spare keys, they had copy of all the keys. "Here JJ, would you take Spencer's car? Jack likes it best."

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"Alex?"

She looked up from the book she was reading. "Gilbreath's conjecture." She explained, "he finds it relaxing." Her other hand was hold one of Spencer's, her thumb stroking over the prominent knuckles.

Aaron let out a sigh of relief. He had panicked when he realized the entire team was at Jessica's house. Not quite, not Alex. He wondered if anyone had remembered to call her. Spencer would have remembered to call her. He hadn't even asked. He had run out of the door behind Rossi and JJ. He could have asked Morgan. What else had he lost track of in this last year?

"Thank you."

She bobbed her head briefly, indistinctly. "I should go."

"No." he was abrupt. "Morgan is still at Jessica's, and"

"Emily's flying in this morning." Alex added. She had stood up and handed a list over to him. "It's a schedule of who is where when."

"Spencer did this?"

Alex looked him in the eye. "Yes," she thought for a moment, Alex Blake was honest, to a fault, "someone needed to."

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Aaron sat beside Spencer. He was on the list to see Jack tonight and talk to him over dinner. At five o'clock Penny would come and wait with Spencer, at 11pm Morgan would come, at 5 am Rossi would come. Emily would join him during the day today. All their shifts were offset one hour with the nursing staff. It was well thought out. Thought out to whom would stay in contact with Erin. Aaron wondered who was keeping in touch with Bennington, that was probably him, he should call them when he figured out what to say. When they told him at the end of the day what to say, when they told him how his world was going to end. Then he would talk to Jack and then Bennington. Jack was at Jessica's every evening. As he looked at the list he realized that there was no time that he was ever alone.

"Love is patient," Aaron recited, hold Spencer's hand, "love is kind," he kissed Spencer's forehead. "Love knows not envy," he pushed Spencer's hair back, " it does not boast," he took Spencer's face in both his hands, "Love is not arrogant." He kissed Spencer's forehead, "Love does not dishonor others" he whispered in Spencer's ear, "love is not self-seeking" He reached down for Spencer's hands, the eerie rhythm of the machines holding Spencer to life in the background, "Love is not easily angered" He held those hands as tight as he dared, "love keeps no record of wrongs." Aaron kissed both of Spencer's closed eyes, "Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth." All those things, to him Spencer was all those things.

"Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." Emily finished for him. He didn't look up from Spencer. A comfortable, familiar silence rested between them, inspite of her long absence.

"Hotch, those are what you bring to him."

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St. Paul wrote, 1 Corrinthians 13:8 wrote : Love never fails.


	20. Chapter 20

'Never fails.' He might fail, but love wouldn't. Aaron looked up and away. He blinked a few times.

"What if he doesn't, Emily?" He knew he could trust her, Emily was kind, but she was direct.

"Then you go on Aaron." She looked directly at him, "We all go on, and we all go on together."

"Aaron?"

He had turned away and was looking out the window at the hospital parking lot several floors below. He looked back at her. "What if this time I can't? What about Jack?"

"You will" She didn't raise her voice, she didn't need to for him to know that he had no choice, whatever happened she would see to it that he did go on. "Did you sleep?"

Aaron shook his head, in response to her question. "Did Dave talk to you?"

"No?" her answer was cautious, there was something more going on here than she had been aware of.

Aaron nodded. "I should get coffee. Do you want any?"

"Aaron?"

"It's coffee. And I quit."

Emily flinched. Then she nodded.

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"Spencer?" Emily hover over him, scared to touch him, scared that somehow she could break him. "You have to be ok. Just like you are, we all love you just like you are." Her own words felt juvenile, but she couldn't find another expression of what she wanted to say. "Spencer?" She was sure she saw some movement.

"Miss Prentice."

"Agent." She corrected, not looking up. The looking up thought her lashes, "Doctor?"

"We reduced his dose of tranquilizer, to stabilize his vitals, he may well know you are here."

"Can he feel" Aaron was back pulling a chair up beside Spencer, taking a hand, touching his other hand to Spencer's jaw line, touch finishing his question instead of words. He had set the coffees aside.

Emily grabbed hers, and looked at the doctor with a tilted head, daring the doctor to answer, dareing her to say it would be alright.

"We don't know." Aaron tightened his grip on Spencer's hand; Spencer was in pain, this was where the fight began.

"He would have heard us talking about" once again he couldn't finish it.

Emily wanted to comfort him, to find away to acknowledge his pain. She stood silently by. Right now that was all she could do.

"We don't,"

"Don't give us that!" Emily snapped at an astonished doctor. Aaron Hotchner would never ask for her help, he was going to get it anyhow. "Tell us what is most likely."

The doctor glanced between the two of them, the beautiful, fierce, powerful dark haired woman, and the disheveled middle-aged man; and they seemed to fit together. "Probably."

Emily touched Aaron Hotchner on the shoulder. "Spencer," she demanded his attention, Hotch wasn't going to be able to do this now, she had read Spencer's chart, she knew he would want to know, want to know what had been accomplished, what had failed, and how much hope he had of getting what he wanted so badly, "There's nerve damage, they don't know how much," Aaron set his head down on Spencer's bed and sobbed, when had he become so week? "The margins aren't ideal. Your best approach is chemo." She blinked twice and looked up and away, she could not smudge her mascara. "The only approach is chemo."

Aaron sat up an fixed his gaze on the doctor. He voice wasn't loud, but broken and angry as it was, it was menacing, "You cannot ask him for another thing." He couldn't stop his tears.

There was really nothing to say.

Emily looked at the ceiling, busy not ruining her mascara.

.Aaron held Spencer's hand and stared at the wall. He should apologize, he was being irrational. He didn't.

The doctor left the room.

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"Do you two?"

Aaron nodded, he didn't trust himself to speak.

"I'll be outside."

Aaron nodded again.

Aaron Hotchner would pulled himself together and be there for Spencer.

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Aaron held Spencer's hand. He looked at Spencer. "This is the last time we do this." He whispered. He didn't know what he expected to hear in response. "Thank you, Spencer, for telling me that you love me, I couldn't do this without knowing that." He looked over Spencer, listening to the machines bleeting their rhythm, "I quit, I did it for you, and Jack, because I can't do it for me." He wished he could hear Spencer's voice and a stream of statistics validating his emotions. He was not going to cry again. He would never hear Spencer's voice again. "I will do this for you." He would not let his voice shake in front of Spencer, Spencer needed him to be strong, Spencer was absolutely helpless he needed him to be strong.

Aaron moved himself on the side of the bed, sitting as close as he could without entangling into the small jungle of tubes wires and monitors that he nested on Spencer. He still held a hand, and now he rested the other hand on a prominent hip bone. "I wish I could kiss you, properly." Aaron thought he felt a twitch in Spencer's fingers. "Can you hear me Spencer?" A firmer grip. Aaron should call the doctors, he could see Spencer's pulse rate pushing up—knowing that was a pain response, he should call someone.

"Spencer?" Aaron felt awakward, "I read the articles you left on sexual stimulation and pain, and,"

"Hotch?" Emily was starting at him. "in the hospital?"

Then Aaron flashed her a brilliant smile.

"I'm just getting my coffee, you let me know when you're done." She was trying hard not to laugh, Aaron thought she would respect his privacy enough that Garcia wouldn't be getting text right now. A small smile lingered, the thought of how happy Garcia would be was enough to make him just a little happy for himself; and he knew damn well that Emily had taken her coffee with her.

"Spencer," a touch from Reid's fingers, "I want you to think about the first time you kissed me." Aaron paused, Spencer had said to 'describe in detail', "remember your tongue in my mouth, and my tongue exploring everything in your mouth, and how you said afterwards that it felt so good, almost as good as my," Aaron paused, embarrassed, "my cock up your ass. Remember how you scratched my back, and how I lay on you, and I was so worried I would hurt you when we did it, how we lay against each other before we were sure of what we wanted, how we wanted it, Spencer, remember laying together before we knew, hard against each other and unable to say anything, remember my hand on you, I remember how I felt as your in your wrapped your fingers around me, those first few stroke Spencer, I will never forget those or the look on your face the first time I touched you, the first time I entered you, the nearly tears in the corners of your eyes," Aaron leant over Spencer as he spoke, and reached up and touched Spencer's hair, and was rewarded with a little squeeze, "how you gasped, you said you loved me Spencer, before I was brave enough to say it to you. Spencer, I don't give myself lightly, and don't take you lightly, because for me that is forever, I know that's old fashioned." Aaron paused, he had got off topic. "Think about how you feel in my mouth, how I like you deep in my throat," He would not cry, he would stay strong, he would stay on the subject at hand.

The next thing Aaron was aware of was Emily shaking him gently by a shoulder. "Aaron?" he looked up at her, he had a splitting headache, probably some kind of withdrawal, he didn't feel well, "Aaron, they increased his drugs, he's quiet again, you should get some proper rest.

"The schedule?" Emily flipped her hair over her shoulder, "Spencer is unconscious, he won't know, and Morgan will help us out. He's waiting at the phone for his little brother who needs him." She focused her gaze on him, "Hotch you need rest." She dialed a number and waited for Morgan to answer.

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Thank you for reading and reviewing and all those wonderful things. Next chapter is from Jack's perspective, busy writing it already.


	21. Chapter 21

"Gramma D?" Jack's hand was on the phone and the receiver at his ear before Dave Rossi was even in the room.

Dave froze, was Diana Reid even the loop?

Jack listened with a concerned look on his face. He nodded at the phone more than once. He looked worried and twisted his mouth to the side. He nodded his head.

He didn't profile as a child. David was watching an experienced caregiver.

"Jack?" He tried to keep his voice low and get Jack's attention.

Jack shook his head. He was used to listening to hushed sounds. If truth be told he was used to listening to adults talk about their problems. He turned his attention back to the phone and nodded. Then Jack wandered with the phone into Spencer's office, hopped onto Spencer's desk, and opened a high cupboard, and pulled out a large box file, hopped expertly down, and opened it to a bookemarked page.

"Here it is Gramma D." He sounded perky, too perky. He was kid used to managing problems, adult problems. He was reading quickly, he seemed to have inherited, wait, was that possible? Was that a learnt skill?

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Jack listened to his Grandmother's voice, her nuance, her inflection, her pauses, the directions of her thoughts. She was clear, she was clear on who he was, she knew was Spencer was sick. This was all good. Jack sighed to himself, he wished he didn't have to lie to her about how sick Daddy Spencer was, it didn't seem fair to tell everyone but not her. She deserved a chance to say goodbye. He wanted his turn, he wondered if Aaron would let him to the hospital later. He didn't think it was worth asking. He hopped onto the desk, he knew where the document was that Gramma D wanted referenced, he would find the exact wording for her; after that he would tell her about Spencer.

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Aaron Hotchner slipped into the house, and stared in horror at Jack on the phone to his Grandmother, and standing on Spencer's desk. For all he knew Jack usually stood on Spencer's desk. He knew nothing about his family. Rossi put out a hand to keep Aaron quiet. He, Rossi, had no idea what Jack would say next.

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It was a simple quote; it was a favorite of Spencer's. "The life of the dead is placed in the memory of the living." read Jack, quoting Cicero at Diana Reid's request. "Gramma D, Daddy Spencer wrote a bunch of letters for you, in case he got really sick," Jack heard his Grandmother suck her breath in, "and I don't know which one to send you, because I don't know if he's going to be o.k. this time. And" His Grandmother was deathly silent for a long moment.

His father took the phone out of his hand, David Rossi picked him up. He could see his Dad talking to Gramma D, he could hear the words, and he knew they weren't true, because no one would let him see Daddy Spencer yet, and sometimes Aaron said things that weren't quite right.

"He would never lie to you." David Rossi spoke into his ear.

Jack held his breath.

Aaron was livid. How could Spencer have asked Jack, Jack, a little boy to send letters? The he wondered if one of those nights when he was pretending to be more present than he actually was Spencer hadn't asked him; and Jack had simply taken it on. He turned to David Rossi, reaching out to take his son.

"No Aaron, sleep, I'll take care of him."

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Jack was quiet again. His face twitched. He wouldn't cry, someone had to be able to take care of things. David Rossi rubbed his back. He'd call Morgan to come over here, he would take Jack to the chapel in the hospital, and hear from Emily how Spencer was doing, ask the doctors, maybe Jack could kiss him goodnight.

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"Is Daddy going to be alright?"

The boy had been so quiet David Rossi startled when he talked.

"The doctors did their best, they cut out as much of the cancer as they could, they hurt some of the nerves in his face, he might look a little funny, and they didn't get the margins." David Rossi hated that he could talk to Jack like he was an adult.

Jack knew he should follow up. He knew the margins meant if they would need to operate again, or do other treatments, like chemo, he hated the chemo because Spencer hated it, and he was thinner than usual and his hair fell out all of it, even his eyelashes. But he also knew this had to work.

"I meant Aaron."

"I don't know, he's doing his best Jack, and you will never, ever be alone."

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Aaron Hotchner had floundered around trying to explain to Diana Reid how sick Spencer was without actually telling the truth. Jack had, and now Aaron was dealing with aftermath. He was relieved when Diana was replaced on the phone by an orderly. He turned his attention to Jack in Rossi's arms. Then Rossi called Morgan to babysit him, it was like him to hurt himself, he had never done that, he had; Aaron paused, he had drunk himself to sleep every night when Spencer was in the hospital, even with Jack in the house. He nodded. Jack was in good hands, yes they could see Spencer if the doctor was o.k. with it. No promises.

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"Hail Mary, full of Grace," Jack watched Aaron count the beads of the Rosary though his fingers. David Rossi passed it over to him, and Jack followed the intonation he had heard Uncle Dave say so many times, "The Lord is with thee." He paused and looked to Dave for guidance on the words, but David Rossi had stepped a few feet away to make a phone call to the local paper. Jack continued by himself, "Blessed art thou amongst women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death." Now he knew he should add his own thing. He walked over to the candles, he would light one for the Blessed Virgin, he would light one for his Mother, and he would light one for Daddy Spencer. Amen.

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David Rossi finished his call, and lit a candle.

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Jack held, clung onto David Rossi as they watched Spencer breathe in and out in the quiet room. Emily was resting her head on Spencer's bed, she had a book by Aleksey Tolstoy open in her lap, a hand held in hers. She startled briefly at the intrusion of the two, but settled into silence with their company and the company of Spencer and the machines. They watched, then Rossi carried Jack over to kiss Spencer's forehead, then they left. Emily resumed her reading.

Rossi hoped Aaron would be asleep when they got home.

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The text in the Washington Post Read: O most holy apostle, St. Jude, faithful servant and friend of Jesus - People honor and invoke you universally, as the patron of hopeless cases, of things almost despaired of. Pray for me, for I am so helpless and alone. Please help to bring me visible and speedy assistance. Come to my assistance in this great need that I may receive the consolation and help of heaven in all my necessities, tribulations, and sufferings, particularly the health and healing of our beloved brother Spencer Reid, and that I may praise God with you always. I promise, O blessed St. Jude, to be ever mindful of this great favor, to always honor you as my special and powerful patron, and to gratefully encourage devotion to you by publishing this request. Amen.


	22. Chapter 22

Cold, he felt cold. Where the hell was Spencer? He turned over and found the space in the bed, the space that Spencer should be in. The space Spencer had been in for years. He waited. He got up. He made the coffee. The looked at his phone. It was too early to call anyone. No one would be awake, no one that he woke up would get it.

Dave stirred in the living room. He was tired of the routine; he wanted Spencer home about as much as Aaron did. He didn't think that either he or Aaron wanted Spencer home as much as Jack did

"Coffee?" Dave poured himself a cup out the pot Aaron had just made. "How long has it been?"

"Twelve days."

"Not Spencer, you."

Aaron Hotchner was damn tired of the whole thing. He wanted to love uncomplicatedly. He wanted his son to be safe at home, he wanted things that he would never get.

"Eleven." He put his coffee mug down too hard.

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"Daddy?"

Aaron smiled his broad smile at Jack, who looked hopeful about coffee. After all it turned out that Spencer had been giving him coffee, coffee and hope. Well, mainly Spencer had been giving Jack milk and sugar—and calling it coffee. Milk and sugar and things with feathers. Aaron ruffled Jack's hair.

David Rossi swallowed. "He's not getting better as fast as we want Jack."

Was that anger he saw on Jack's face?

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Dave shifted out of the makeshift bed and got ready for work. Jack came down for the coffee. Aaron was away on a case, because he needed a break, and Dave would take Jack; like Jessica had taken Jack.

Dave had found Spencer's stacked notebooks in the kitchen. Files for jack's school work, notes for the Cub Scouts, and notes for Aaron. Notes for Aaron everyday. It was spooky, like he was communicating from the grave. Not that he was there yet. The doctor's were still fighting. Dave wasn't sure that Spencer was anymore. Two months, eight days, how many hours and minutes, Jack would know that.

Jack was still figiting.

Aaron was fighting to many battles.

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Spencer grasped for something. It hurt too much. Today he saw the top of the pool, under the pond, he knew the names of the fishes and their stories, he know the names of the weeds and their places in the world, he knew that they grew together only in his mind. He waited the white light on one side, Aaron's voice on the other. Today, was it day? He didn't hear Aaron, and he thought he might just slip away, let Aaron get on with his life. Aaron would make it through this.

Jack, was out there. On the days when it was really dark, was that night, he could think of Jack's voice. Of Jack outside, of Jack at school, of Jack at Cub Scouts, of Jack drinking his milk coffee. He would remind himself of every promise he had ever made to Jack. He would wish he had made promises to Aaron.

The darkness was comfortable, it turned out he could breathe in the darkness, it was thick and hard at first, he was cold and lonely at first; but now he knew if he listened he wouldn't be alone. He wondered if the siren song was what pulled him under into his quiet darkness, as he listened to Emily, and to Dave and his Italian prayers. He thought about the classics and the stories that Emily read. He wanted to hear Wind in the Willows. He found that he could touch Aaron's hand, and Aaron could make him think of so much more, his mind would move over Aaron's body, his body would soften under Aaron's touch, he would find his body responding, pulling him in, reeling him in like a willing fish, and then he would fall back, fall back into the light.

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Aaron wanted to ask the jet to turn around. He beamed, he would have squeeled if he knew how. As it was it was Penny who squeeled for him. She had called him, Aaron couldn't quite understand the line of communication, he had been out of regular phone range, it seemed that Penny had patched together several satellite signals, including some belonging to Mossad, and somehow made the call. Spencer was moving, he was trying to communicate, and, thank god, he was not trying to speak.

Erin Strauss called to let him know he would return home as soon as he landed.

Dave took Jack down to the hospital cautiously but immediately.

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There was a flurry of staff in out of Dr. Reid's room. There was a flurry of friends. And there was Jack.

Aaron was on the plane.

'I knew exactly what I was getting into.' Spencer reminded himself. He took Jack's hand and tried to open and focus his eyes. The he smiled, lopsided, but smiled. He felt his mouth pulled down by a feeding tube, he hurt, but not like he did before. Part of his face was numb.

Aaron had said there was nerve damage. Aaron had also said they didn't have the margins. He wanted Aaron. That was all he wanted. He knew what he had signed up for, but where was Aaron?

He closed his hand around Jack's. He took a deep breath. He would make this o.k.

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Home. Home was in their house, was in Aaron's bed, was in Aaron's arms, and in him. He had thought he would die of frustration as the doctors waited "to be sure". He had worried himself sick about Aaron, but hadn't dared ask. He had waited everyday for Aaron, who must have been practicing signing, beucase he followed, he followed Spencer's leaps, he followed Spencer's stories about what he had seen, he held onto every word that Spencer said.

Aaron couldn't find his own voice. He didn't know what to say to Spencer. He didn't think he should tell Spencer how hard it was. Then Spencer took him, gently, tenderly, slowly, carefully, the first night they were home. And Aaron knew that Spencer knew.

Spencer's fingers on his face, his lopsided kisses, his opening his mouth to Aaron. There was a moment of quiet, between breaths, a place where their bodies met absolutely where he opened himself entirely, where he was accepted without question, where he was loved. And for a moment Aaron Hotchner thought he deserved it.

Spencer was up the next morning making coffee for Jack.

Aaron smiled. He took a week off work. He was surprised at how much Spencer wanted to be outside, at how he wanted to go swimming with Jack, and how he pointed out things that Aaron had no idea that Spencer knew. Spencer was brilliantly alive, now all Aaron had to do was catch up.

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Spencer watched Jack's bed time ritual. He was independent. That was good. But Spencer was worried. He brushed his teeth, he washed his face, he put on his pj's, he lit candles, he said his Rosary. Spencer tried not to react.

"It's innocent." Aaron whispered over his shoulder.

"No faith is Innocent."

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Thanks for reading, if you are reading! Anyways, hope you are enjoying it—yes I know Spencer is being contradictory, but I'm getting there, promise.


	23. Chapter 23

It was again. Aaron was still at the BAU and Spencer was writing. Again, it was a trial drug. Again, chronic stage IV. Aaron could hear it when a doctor said 'chronic' he struggled with 'stage IV', 'palliative' was a word not used in his house, even by Reid.

Hotch stood with his hands on Reid's shoulders. He no longer pretended it would get better. Reid had been so clear with him, that this wasn't going away. Reid would just accept treatment, get Jack out of middle school, now high school, next he would say college. Always for Jack. Reid never promised Hotch anything.

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Aaron held onto Spencer's shoulders. "It won't come back."

Spencer set down his pen. He had been writing out a paper long-hand. It was rhythmic, he could do it, not easily, but he could. He shook his head. Then looked up briefly at Aaron and found it simplest to write a note, fold it up, and hand it over to Aaron. "Neither you nor I control this."

Aaron's rested his hands back on Spencer's shoulders. "We've come too far Spencer."

Next note: "Its hard." Spencer fussed with the notebook in front of him. His mind felt clumsy, it always did when he was in treatment, with one thing or the next, he read slowly, he missed things. He hoped every time that his mind would come back like it was before. He practiced, things that looked like silly, toe exercises, walking in lines, arranging images, learning to hear sounds he had never heard before and would never learn to say, drawing with both hands, with his eyes closed. He played piano beautifully and desperately. He has never had to reach like this to understand things before. It is hard work. He wondered if other people always have to do this work. He feels disappointed in his own arrogance. If nothing else, this had taught him that he was exactly like other people. Nothing prepares you for your own mortality. He wasn't scared of dying, he was scared of loss.

Aaron read the note and put in his suit pocket with the first. He nodded. He didn't know what else he could do.

Spencer looked up at him, eyes wide, his beautiful face only slightly skew slightly marked. Aaron reached a hand to touch him. Spencer reached out a hand to stop him, and returned to writing.

Note: "Are you ok?"

Aaron paused. It wasn't like Spencer to ask. Spencer must have noticed him coming home later an extra night last week. Of course Spencer noticed. Of course Spencer noticed and never said anything.

"I can't do it alone."

Note: "You aren't ever alone."

"I don't want to impose on you."

Now was the moment when Spencer wanted to get angry. All he wanted was his family; all he wanted was his little boy safe at home, and Aaron Hotchner, all of Aaron Hotcher, safe in his arms. Aaron Hotcher should impose on him.

Note: "I don't want to loose you."

"You won't." Aaron was trying to keep his breathing steady, why was he so upset about this?

Note: "Any piece of you. I want the piece of you that drinks. I want the piece of you that saves lives. I want the piece of you that fails. I want the piece of you that comes home and cooks dinner; and the piece of you that doesn't want to eat because you are too tired, or too worried about me, or because you had one, I want it all Aaron, even the piece that's angry at me."

Aaron Hotchner wished he could deny any of it. Spencer held him in place, catching a hand that was about to lift off.

They stayed that way waiting for a moment.

Note: "I'm not scared of dying Aaron. I'm scared of being without you."

Aaron nodded. "I, sometimes, it feels as though I can't stop it. I want to walk into a bar after a case, and before I come home, and have a scotch, not one, not two, because it never ends. There is always another one Spencer. I can't stop it."

Spencer looked into him. It was that look that made him know he had to be with Spencer. Those eyes turned up to look at him, Spencer's beautiful lashes missing for now, this lines where his eyebrows would be raised in question, Spencer's mouth slightly askew, slightly open.

"And I can't make you better. And I hate it." Aaron was going to see this through, "And I hate that you don't come out in the field with us anymore, because I miss you," he was going to tell Spencer the truth, "I feel so sad for you that you struggle with things that used to be easy for you."

Note: "Thank you."

Next note: "Come to me. I can't loose you."

Following note: "Jack is safe, I am here, I don't want to loose you Aaron."

Yet another note: "I promised I would fight, I will fight, to be with you Aaron, I promise."

Aaron bent over and kissed Spencer, and got one of those only ever Spencer half kisses back. Jack was at school for the rest of the day. Spencer didn't seem frail, he seemed powerful; Aaron took Spencer.

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Then there were times it was easy. Spencer travelling with the team. Family dinners. Spencer's mother visiting; that was a challenge, but the outcome was wonderful, the outcome was Spencer's brilliant smile, the outcome was watching his family together; something that made them normal. There was Spencer's book being published, which reminded them that Spencer was exceptional. There was Jack's graduation from high school. That was a major one. It was a promise kept.

Aaron was afraid that each milestone was another item checked off on Spencer's list. And Spencer would assure him. Aaron would reach into his pocket, and take out those pieces of paper and read those notes. And they would walk forwards.

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And it was so delicate, thought Dave, so hard to watch, one wrong step on the part of fate and it was all gone. He lit another candle.

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The blond boy's hands flipped over the keys. It was easy, it was easiest part of his day. He let his hands play. He listened to the music as though it came from somewhere else. Spencer listened from the kitchen, Aaron listened from the hallway.

"Does he always play like this?" Aaron signed to Spencer, joining him in his slippers in the kitchen.

Spencer nodded. He drank a cup of coffee, he would always list this amongst his victories, he could drink coffee; and his boy played better than he did. Then he let himself be lost of the smell of Aaron, the taste of coffee and Jack's music. He had intended talking to Aaron about some work he had been doing in statistics, but this morning wasn't that kind of morning. It was Sunday. And Jack was getting confirmed.

Spencer had been none too pleased with the idea. Aaron was proud. Spencer had thought that Jack should be educated beyond the church; the church was the first step in journey. Aaron could see Jack making his own way in the world; the church could be his gateway. Spencer had thought that faith should be tempered by science. Aaron had thought that science should be tempered by faith. They didn't fight, they supported Jack in what was important to him.

Jack had asked Spencer the hard questions. And Spencer had found the surprisingly easy to answer. He still didn't know if he believed in God, he did know that he, that they, were a tiny part of the universe, but not insignificant, just tiny, though he did teach Jack to feel that way about fishes also, and weeds, Spencer had a soft spot for weeds. Yes he'd been dead, but before he met Jack. Then he would look sad. No he didn't think god concerned himself with our affairs, but we did concern ourselves with god's if that was what we were doing. Yes, he did love Jack's father Aaron, he didn't care what the church or Grandmother Hothner thought, he wouldn't believe in a god who doled out his love in part measures. Jack scrunched his eyes shut, Spencer was about to lecture him on differences in the discourse on sexuality in early modern writings in the Roman and Orthodox churches.

Jack felt safe. Neither of his fathers dealt out love in part measures either.

Jack played football, well enough to get a scholarship. He graduated, easily and well, from high school. He knew that had been Spencer's goal, and he was afraid. He didn't ask Spencer. Not that he wanted to leave home. He still didn't dare leave Daddy Spencer. And Aaron, he still didn't dare leave Aaron.

.

Jack watched the kindness between the men. They had grown steady, gentle, settled from a long time of loving. And he steadied himself and left home.

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Spencer rattled about the house. He worked more in the office. He relied more on Aaron. Aaron came home earlier. They waited, because they knew for the news that would come, kisses in the kitchen, hands touched in the living room. Aaron confessed his failures to Spencer; Spencer confessed his love to Aaron. Spencer was tired, but he was strong, and Aaron was loved.

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Spencer lay stretched out on their bed, a frosting of brown and silver hair on his head, glasses on, reading Isak Dinesen, "…do you now believe you are married?" he snatched a paraphrase for Aaron, "from now love and honour each other until the end of your lives, and even in death and eternity?"


	24. Chapter 24

Jack looked over at the gathered congregation. The church was the same one Spencer had brought him to as a kid. Today the silence was overwhelming, a benediction in its own way. Jack was a quiet young man, thoughtful, physically strong, reserved. His hands fluttered, Penelopy Garcia smiled, Derrick Morgan smiled, Emily Prentice with Dave, Alex even smiled, Aunt JJ, and Uncle Will and Henry, and Aunt Jessica, Aunt Erin, everyone who had known Dr. Spencer Reid for any length of time could follow ASL, most of them could speak, some fluently, some not, all followed Jack's hands and movement.

"Spencer Reid, Dr. Reid, was one of three adults to shape my childhood. My mother Hailey, my first father Aaron Hotchner, and Daddy Spencer." A small breeze of laughter blew though the congregation. "Spencer taught me that change didn't mean endings, we could read endings into change if we chose, he never did. Spencer not only always chosen life, he always chose love. He chose to love me when his life was at its hardest, he chose to love my father, improbable though that seems." Another flutter of the laughter.

Jack's hands continued to move. He looked over the room as he spoke, wondering exactly how many people his father and Spencer could possibly know. "My father has loved Spencer for as long as I can remember. Not that he, to this day, will admit it." There was no translator, some of the congregation furrowed their brows or tilted their heads in an attempt to follow a strange language, spoken with ease. The order of service contained a transcription, but every congregant looked forward at the Dias.

"Spencer may have 'looked for light and fallen into darkness', but out of that darkness he brought love back to my family; I hope that for Spencer our family is his light."

Jack paused, "'Love is gentle, love is kind', Spencer bought that love back to my father, he brought my father back to a place where he could be gentle, where he could be kind, both of which Aaron, my first father is."

"'Love knows no envy" that may be true, but then I must not love them enough, because I do covet the life they have made together. I believe the only one who wouldn't is my mother Hailey, the message she left for me is "love is the most important thing" and that I was brought up in the gentle shadow of love would bring her joy. I believe she does know, I believe that she does because my fathers told me so."

"So I have been brought up surrounded by love. You have walked though darkness, together, you have loved me, together, and Daddy Spencer, yes, you have my permission to marry my first dad, Aaron."

Our reading for today is not the traditional reading, it is a reading made appropriate by the fight our family has shared, Jacked looked at both men, "I lift mine eyes unto the hills, from whence does my help come? My help comes from the lord who made heaven and earth."

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Si Fini

Dear Readers and followers, thank you so much for reading, I hope I made you happy, and just a little sad, well thank you—especially to those of you who commented, it makes writing so much easier for me. So again, thank you. M


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